‘ABOUT THE LIFE AND WORK OF ANDREW HOWLETT’
BY THE FORMER ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS OF HAREFIELD HOSPITAL
ANDREW HOWLETT
BACKGROUND INFORMATION
Andrew “The Shitman” Howlett is known as the self proclaimed “succulent of seduction” in the homosexual world of the NHS where he operates as the deputy chief operating officer at Wexham Park hospital in Slough. However, it is best to not speak of Andrews homosexual nature around him, as he is a classic closet case, and is a crack shot sharp shooter with his sniper rifle. He’s been known to have blown away 23 men, and blow 153 of them.
Andrew was born in Hemel Hempstead, UK to a feral bull named Helen and a former cattle herder and part time window washer named Stew Piddold Howlett, who got on the wagon one night and raped all the farm animals of the ranch resulting in Stew having over 900 offspring. Unfortunately most of them would die young, and be eaten for thanksgiving, so only 783 survive to this day. Andrew was about the only one he could ever remember the name of, and the rest of them where not worth a damn.
Andrew wanted to follow in his fathers footsteps, and rape the whole farm, but instead ended up being a disappointment to Stew Piddold Howlett, by becoming a NHS manager. Being a pro corrupt NHS manager, as opposed to an amateur NHS manager, means that the pro-league is fake and choreographed. Stew frowned upon his son, but not for the reason he became a manager, but for being so whiny all the time and complaining about everyone and everything. Stew really could not stand that instead of being a pillaging raping beast, like the rest of the heard, Andrew would just moan about the farm, whining that every time he tried to rape the cattle like a good boy, someone would screw him over and prevent him from succeeding.
LIFE AFTER HAREFIELD HOSPITAL
Andrew was forced to resign from Harefield Hospital after all of the previous things that happened to him. Andrew said in a shoot interview, “I really wish I stayed in the Harefield Hospital. When I complained, people would be around to hear it, and the thing i regret the most is Bill Clinton was impeached”
Andrew spends his days now back on the farm in Slough trying to rape all the cattle, in hopes he can one day rape all the farm and make his daddy proud. So far he has not been successful in accomplishing this, and complains about it to anyone who will listen. Andrew also has an auto-biography he has written called “How To Complain For Dummies” but keeps complaining to the publishers that they are screwing him over, so it is yet to be released.
In 2010, Harefield Hospital and Andrew Howlett then went on to annoy pretty much any NHS staff who ever worked by having him pop up at ‘totally unexpected’ times whenever Julie Burgess would get in the Trust office and go to talk a lot about being ‘old and shit’. Oh, and not to mention the fact that Wexham Park Hospitals Staff have lost all creativity and keep on recycling the same old shit again and again.
CHAMPIONSHIPS AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS
Complaints Heavyweight Championship (3 times)
Heavyweight Complaints Champion (160 times)
Fag-Team Champion (2 times)
Queen Of The Rimjobs
Hall of Shame (Class of 2010)
Harefield Hospitals All-time record holder for most time’s screwed over in a single career.
EMO Winging Whining Championship (1,345 times – record holder)
SIGNATURE
Andrew delivers his finishing move the sharp-pooter where he humps his staff members leg like it’s a massive cock while defecating down there spine (don’t ask!!)
FURTHER INFORMATION
The Chief Executive Robert Bell sent a group of his gay cheerleader managers to bitch slap HBGays (Andrew Howlett) penis after Robert was ticked off at Andrew for not returning a library book he had borrowed under Roberts name, and HBGays refusal to pay the 50 pence late fee. A week later Robert confronted Nipple-T (Terry White) that he too had an overdue library book, and he owed Robert a total of 75 Pence, and if he did not pay it, the same thing that he did the week before to HBGay would happen to him with extra punishment for the 25 pence more then HBGays overdue fee’s. Nipple-T refused to pay the late fee, and Robert sent the GaySquad to take on the fags and give him an even worse punishment of a Chinese Burn on his testicles. Big Nose (Terry White) was winning for a while, but then the rest of the Gay Squad started to beat down Nipple-T and it looked like the may actually get to administer the devastating maneuver. Robert realized one of the Gay Squad wasn’t present, and called for him to come from backstage and help his fellow fags. But the extra poof didn’t show, Robert called him again, and suddenly he appeared, limp, and falling to the ground at Roberts feet. Robert then saw HBGay emerge from the Harefield Hospitals board room, and look Robert right in the eye, the penis slapping incident had not delivered the blow Robert thought it had, and soon HBGay was running down the isle to the aid of his former lover ‘Nipple-T’ Terry White.
—–MAIN ARTICLE—–
CORRUPTION AT HAREFIELD HOSPITAL
This is to let everyone know that I still look like a dog because of the foreign doctor problem but this time im wearing nappies too
This is how much money I wasted at Harefield Hospital, one of the reasons I was fired
This is me at Harefield Hospital. The Chief Executive Robert Bell pulled down his trousers and asked me to suck his balls in front of the board of directors. When I refused, someone mysteriously came from behind and injected 5mg of Amiodarone in to my neck until I fell unconscious. This is when my former lover Nipple-T Terry White took my head and showed it up Robert Bells arse. This was my leaving do at Harefield Hospital
This is a picture of me at Harefield Hospital. The Chief Executive Robert Bell asked me why I was sacking staff on purpose from the Cardiology department. I said ‘I swear I did not mean to do it, it was the evidence provided’. Before you know it, Robert jumped on top of me and sat on top of me to force me to tell the truth. At this point, my lover Nipple-T Terry White jumped on top of Robert and humped the shit out of him. Thankfully, I did not give away too much information but really, Robert Bell is fat bastard!
This is when I admitted in writing that I don’t think carrying a GOLLYWOG in a hospital is racist. In fact, when a staff member at Harefield Hospital was carrying one, I claimed it was not racist and took no action, all because the perpetrator was white. Robert Bell did not like this and this is one of the reasons he sat on me and rubbed his arse in my face
This is a picture of me at Cambridge University and the things I had to do to make ends meet as a student!
This is a picture of me and Terry in the field on our lunch break at Harefield Hospital. I found Terry to be very warm and easy going and miss our days out together in the park in the sunshine
I am still on car park duties and the car park is totally empty!!
I was talking to some School kids outside Wexham Park Hospital about my dog face and no dick and received some fantastic advice. The kid says I can use Viagra to pop it right out of the hole then I can tweeze the rest. I thought to myself, ahoy, not a bad idea so I went to the pharmacy department and prescribed myself some Viagra!
I took the kids advice and afraid to say that my dick got stuck in the crinkle and now I can’t piss full stop and I really need to go to the toilet. I tried turning the tap on but nothing works. Im gonna kill that kid. I was waiting for the kid to come back from school today and saw him come down. I stopped him and showed him my dick and said look what you have done by advising me this. The kids with him all started screaming and ran away
Im in the parking attendant box at the moment depressed and hungry
I had a visit from the police to say. They said they have received a very serious allegation that a man was exposing himself to school children dressed up like a dog and wearing a nappy! I said I didn’t show him my dick because I aint got a dick, just an issue about wrong advice he gave me. I said LOOK, THIS IS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT! The police officer said that ‘alright mate, you’re under arrest for indecent exposure and assaulting a police officer. I said, ‘I didn’t assault you, just showed you my dick’
I went to Uxbridge Police Station and was getting booked in to custody. The custody sergeant says ‘whats your name son’. The other officer says ‘His names Andy Lassie Howlett and he’s been arrested for indecent exposure, assaulting a police officer and impersonating a dog!’. The custody sergeant says ‘Mmm, impersonating a dog eh, well, we haven’t had one of those in a long time. What can I ask made you do this Lassie’. I said ‘I went for arse implants and the doctor was a Paki who looked like a GOLLYWOG and he fucked it up’. The custody sergeant says ‘I don’t think we have to go any further on this, get a vet to check him over and over to RSPCA it is’. I said ‘NOOO, not the RSPCA, im a senior manager in a hospital and not a real dog, it was medical negligence’
Julie sent me an E-mail asking to see me ASAP in her office
I quickly had a shave and tied my ears back and went and sat outside her office. Julie says that ‘you have only worked for the Trust for 6 months and you have pissed in my board room, stole bleaching cream from Janet, walk around the car park like a monster scaring everyone and for some ridiculous reason, you were even wearing a nappy at one point’. Lets not forget exposing yourself to school kids outside the hospital, because of your behavior, we now have journalists asking questions and what the fuck you expect us to say, I cant say this prick is one of my operational managers, they will think im some sort of slag!!’ I said to Julie Burgess ‘I don’t think your a slag and im not a dog, it was medical negligence and I have to keep my face like this for the time being so I can claim compensation from the doctor who did it’. Julie Burgess said ‘What is happening about that case now then’, I said ‘Well, the doctor is saying I wanted to look like a GOLLYWOG because of a religious experience I had at Harefield Hospital. I totally denied this of course but it’s my word against his and he’s left me in this state now and I don’t know what to do. My solicitor says I should get substantial compensation but until then its just regular shaving, tieing my ears back and wearing nappies and my wife is really fed up of me with constantly wetting the bed that she has started throwing me out in the garden now and I heard her the other day talking to someone on the phone about quotations about kennels’
WHY DOESN’T ANYONE LISTEN TO ME, IM NOT A DOG, IT WAS FUCKING MEDICAL NEGLIGENCE!
Julie says to me ‘Oh just shut the fuck up you prick, iv had enough of you. Where you this annoying to Robert Bell at Harefield Hospital and is this why he made you suck his balls in the middle of the board room in front of the board of directors’
I was walking in the car park today and had a fantastic brainwave about changing my identity!!
Now I think no one will recognize me!!
I really wanted to go to the toilet today and when I went in to the mens, I saw the cubicle had been completely lifted for repairs and al that was remaining was just a hole in the floor! I really did not know what to do so I just took a shit just near the hole. When I finished, I went to wash my hands and the cleaner walks in. I said to him that I did not know what to do so I just shitted on the floor. I was only being HONEST!. The cleaner was really angry. He says that this is not his job to be doing this. He said ‘why the fuck did you not use the next toilet which does have a cubicle’. I said to the nasty man ‘I wanted to shit in this cubicle! Is that ok with you, your majesty!’ The cleaner says ‘don’t talk to me like that you ugly fuck, you need to pick the shit up and put it down in the hole rather then shit next to the hole’. I thought I do the less troublesome thing and just slide the shit in the hole and that would be the end of the story. To my amazement it wasn’t. I went to wash my hands and realized the water is not working and my hands are full of shit. The cleaner could not stop laughing at me. What on earth will I do now. All I did was come for a shit and now it’s become more of a problem then a problem solved! I quickly left the toilet with my glasses on my lower back in hope to change my identity so no one will recognize me
Julie Burgess caught me walking down the corridor and she stops me and says ‘Andy, why on earth are you walking backwards and with your glasses on your arse’ when I turned round, Julie saw my hands and said ‘what the fuck you been doing now, how come you got shit on your hands, you haven’t been eating shit now have you?’
One of my close and personal friends turned up at the hospital car park today, it was none other then my sexy best friend Nipple-T. I just came back from lunch and saw him sipping some water from the puddle in the road. I shouted out to Terry and asked him if he would like to join me for tea and crumpets.
To Nipple-T’s dismay, he declined the offer. He said he was on the run from Harefield Hospital for the day because he was being accused of smearing some Hippo shit on the door handle of the Chief executive Robert Bells car and that when Robert tried to open his car door, his hand got covered in shit and he aint happy about it. Nips said that he will hang round with me in the car park for the rest of the day to keep clear of Robert Bell. I said that that my own Chief Executive Julie Burgess isn’t that happy about me either down here and is really fed up with the dog problems and office soiling issues that just don’t seem to go away. And now iv been banned from wearing nappies in the car park. Im not sure what she will say about a hippo on site now, the Slough Observer has been doing a lot of reporting on the Wexham Park car parking issue and a dog and a hippo barricading the car park can put the Trust in to disrepute. Terry said that if I am ashamed of him, then he will go back to Harefield Hospital and take a slapping on his penis by Robert Bell. I said ‘NOOOOOO’, you can stay, just keep away from the front gate when its the end of the school day, the kids have a tendency to make allegations of indecent exposure and also make sure Julie Burgess don’t catch you down here drinking out of the potholes! Terry said ‘Thank you, you fucking hug-gable prick, I owe you big time but considering you put me in to some financial trouble with the finance director at Harefield Hospital, I guess we are even now!
Julie Burgess comes along today and says to me ‘why the fucking hell is there a hippo in the car park next to you you dog!’. I said to her ‘This is my friend Terry who has come from Harefield Hospital to visit me’. Julie says ‘Oh, its Terry, that’s ok then, I thought you were just fucking about and up to your usual tricks again you stupid fuck, I want that hippo out in the next 5 minutes before patients see both you fucks in the car park together, we have already taken enough abuse because of you, we wont do it on Terry now’. Terry started crying, he said ‘It’s not my fault I am like this, I was medically neglected by a paki doc who looked like a gollywog and now others cannot even accept me for who I am!’ Julie says to Terry ‘Well, a starting point would be not to drink water out of the fucking pothole you dick, your making us look bad, to make matters worse, I have had Robert Bell on the phone to me just 10 minutes ago saying that the security department at Harefield Hospital caught you smudging your shit under the door handle of his car and he aint happy about having your shit on his hands’
I was watching the Royal Wedding just yesterday. It was so lovely, I got on to the phone to my darling Terry and we both had a good cry over it. Terry said to me ‘Andy, we have known each other a while and we have gone through a lot too, how about we get married?’ I said to Termite Terry that I could possibly not do it because I am already married to my own wife. Terry says that does a real happily married man get thrown out of the house just because he looks different now, has to wear nappies, eat out of a bowl and be sworn at on a regular basis? If you marry me, I will treat you like a real man and I can stop sucking Roberts balls all the time because I will have your balls to suck! I said to Terry the Cherry that ‘For your information, my dick has also gone because my missus brazilled it off so if we did get married, I will have to be the receiver! although sucking my balls probably would not be that bad!’
I went to my wife yesterday and said to her ‘Honey, I love you but our marriage is not working out, I now love Terry and he’s a Cherry and im leaving you for him, is it ok if you could move out as soon as possible?’ My wife says ‘you cheeky fucking dog face bastard, you have the nerve to bring that hippo in to our house and have sex with him in our bed, over my dead body you prick, get out of the fucking house you spastic and take your nappy collection with you’ I quickly turn round and put my glasses on my arse and said to the missus ‘Honey, I am not a dog face, I think you are seeing things again, this is what im talking about, the abusive relationship im living in!’. The missus says ‘Don’t turn your fucking back on me with you glasses on your arse you prick, im not going to tolerate all this shit of yours, I cannot even breath properly recently because of your dog hairs in the bed and if you don’t turn round and speak to me properly, I will throw you out of the window’ I carried on with my back to my missus with my glasses on my arse as I thought she would not recognize me. She takes my glasses off and breaks it and says ‘Lets see how you going to fuck that Cherry Hippo Termite if you cant even see his arse you lowlife scumbag’. I said ‘Honey, I don’t need to see him or his dick because I will be the receiver’. She comes running after me with a baseball bat and I quickly saw the window open and I jumped out of it and ran away! Phew, what a night!
I heard Terry Whites parents wanted to name him TERMITE but could not get the name legally put on his birth certificate so they just named him Terry White.
This is a picture of the Finance Director Mark Lambert humping me and Terry ‘The Cherry’ White (with his extra berry making three berries). This was in retaliation to wasting so much of the taxpayers money on stupid decisions, lies and rumors! I was a bit unenthiustic and it looks like Terrys enjoyed himself
Terry ‘The Cherry’ White said to Mark to be careful of the third berry as it’s located in an unusual place!
I was in the car park today walking around and felt a bit thirsty because of the hot weather. I was not allowed in to the hospital because of Julie Burgesses orders so I just sipped some water from the pond. To my amazement, a slough journalist was walking past and saw me do this and took a picture of it and ran away
This is me and Terry again at Harefield Hospital. When we use to get a moment out of out busy schedule, we just went in to the field and let nature take it course. Terrys the one that looks like a Gollywog!
This is my darling Terry trying on some of my wife’s sexy underwear. The fit is absolutely perfect and Terry looked gorgeous, Now take it off!
Take it off Terry, how do you expect me to penetrate when your covering up the important bit!
I bought a nice lovely little car yesterday for a mere £200. It’s really nice and the children love it. I came to work today in it and showed it to everyone. I even showed it to my darling Terry and asked him if he wants to go for a spin in it. Terry ‘The Cherry’ with the ‘Extra Berry’ White got angry and said that I should of got something bigger so he could also fit in it. Im planning to put three berries on the end of the van so that it symbolizes my love for Terry.
I was coming in to work today in my new car and people in the road kept horning at me. A police van was driving past and all the officers turned round to have a look, eventually they stopped me and started questioning me about the van. I said it just something to keep me going from A to B. The officer asks why there are 2 berries on the back windscreen. I said what do you mean two berries, there should be three berries to declare my love for my sexy short Terry. The officer asks if he can perform a breathalyser on me which I agree but I could not get my mouth around the mouthpiece because my face has a different structure because of the dog face problems. Eventually they just took a urine sample from me.
I came in to the hospital today and the security department stops me. They said this is not a joke anymore and Julie Burgesses orders are not to allow the van on site because it is attracting unnecessary attention and this situation is beyond funny now! I said to the prick ‘where the fuck will I park my car then, if I leave it on the road, it will get stolen’. The security officer said ‘Andy, I can assure you no one will steal your car, no one in their right mind would be caught driving a piece of shit like that so you have confidence it will stay on the road unless a very dangerous psychopath has escaped from a metal institute!’
I cant find my car!!
Oh great, I found my car, I thought some prick stole it to make me unhappy. Im now off home happily on the M25 amidst a lot of stares!
I parked my car today outside the hospital and when I came back at lunch to have a look at it and someone spray painted in red a picture of a dick with two balls and three bits of jizz coming out of it. I ran to the security department and asked them to do something about it but they seemed uninterested. They said that they have had enough problems because of me and are not prepared to waste any more valuable time running around after a shit car with dick marks on it and if he’s got any problems, it goes directly to Julie Burgess. I told him to fuck off
I got someone to come take off the dick mark off my car, as soon as they got it off, someone came and put it back on again and I now am getting very fed up of parking my car on the road outside the hospital. Im going to call in the police for this, this is called animal abuse!
Some one put another dick mark on my car next to the other dick mark. Now everytime I drive the car, people think I am making homosexual gestures. I know they not talking about Terry because both of the dicks have two berries on them when Terry ‘The Slug Slag’ has three berries
Terry came back home late at night last night and when he came to bed, he asked me if I find him attractive. I said ‘I have always found you attractive, how can you resist three berries’. Terry says ‘Im not talking about the three berries, im talking about me and you’. I said ‘Im not sure what you are asking me’. Terry said ‘Iv known you a long time and not once you have said you love me’. I said to Terry ‘Of course I love you, I left my wife for you and your three berries. Terry says ‘That does not mean you love me, it means your a dirty batti boy who takes it and gives it up the arse’. I said to Terry ‘For you information, my dick got brazilled off so I definitely don’t do you up the arse, its the other way around and you know it’. Terry says ‘well, maybe but its not good enough because my arse needs a rub from time to time and you don’t give it, its always me giving giving giving and no receiving and my dick has been bobbling up recently and I don’t know if its because of your tight arse or some sort of infection I got from you wife clothes’. I said to Terry ‘Just shut up you fucking sexy bastard and go to sleep, its late’
I went to see a vicar yesterday about me and Terry getting married. The Vicar said that this is strictly FORBITTEN in the English church and he could under no terms perform such a ceremony. To make matters worse, he said that a dog and a hippo cannot get married in a church and my best bet would be to get some advice from the RSPCA. I said to him ‘Father, I am not a dog, it was medical fucking negligence and the same goes for Nipple-T.
Termite-T said that he knows a vicar in a church down in Watford that can perform this ceremony for a small fee and it also has a large door so he can walk in with no problems. I said, ‘we can even use my new car to travel to the church and back to go with the flow!’. Nipple-T said that, ‘Im not a prick you know, I will definitely not be caught in a piece of shit like that, this is my wedding day for christs sake’.
I was watching Ace Ventura, Pet Detective on Friday night with Cherry-Boi. Totally by coincidence, I saw Jim Carrey riding around in a car just like mine but looking like a dog. I said to Nipple-T ‘Look, Look, he’s got the same car as mine’. Terry said ‘Shut up you fucking div, Jim Carrey is a comedian bringing joy to the world, your just doing it because your a spastic’.
I parked my car outside the hospital today and some prick drew a third dick on it and now things looks so awkward because none of the dick marks are coming off and now my hands are hurting. I have reported this officially to Julie Burgess as I believe I am being discriminated against because I cannot park my car in the hospital. My union rep says that he does not want to get involved in this issue.
I was in bed with Sexy Terry ‘The Cherry’. We were both exited at this stage and when Termite-T wanted to bum me, he got angry because my nappy was in the way. He said to me ‘How do you expect me to get in and enjoy myself with your nappy being in the way’. I said ‘Don’t worry, il take it off, I just had some soiling issues going on today but not to worry’. Nipple-T said ‘Don’t worry, you just put me off, il just have to find something else to nibble on’. I said to Terry ‘How about nibbling my nappy!’.
Julie Burgess calls me in to today and says that she has consulted with Janet Lynch about the dick marks on my car. She says there is nothing the Trust can do as the car was not parked on hospital premises and I have to contact my insurance company about it and the police. I said to Julie ‘What the fuck you talking about you bitch, you told me to park it on the road in the first place’
I haven’t updated my blog because me and Terry got married last weekend and we were on our honeymoon for the whole week. It was a lovely church ceremony in Watford where Nipple-T came in dressed in a lovely pink gown. I couldn’t kiss my new bride because I don’t think it would be appropriate to that in a church. Our Honeymoon was in Jamaica and we just got back this morning.
I was coming back home on the plane and a child comes up to me with a book and asks if he can have Scooby Doos autograph. I said to him ‘Im not Scooby Doo and I cannot give you an autograph’. The boy asked me ‘Are you scrappy Doo?’. Terry says this is the last time he will go on holiday with me
I came back home to my car and some prick stole the nose of the car and drew dick marks all over it. Now my car looks disabled. Mmmm, does that mean I can get a disabled badge and park on site at Wexham Park Hospital
I parked my car outside the hospital and went in to the security department to ask them if I can get a disabled badge for my car because of the nose being gone and stuff. The security department says that I need to do some work as that is what im employed to do and that stop bothering others around me and asking stupid spasticated questions. I asked him that I want a disabled badge and if I don’t get one, I will report him to the HR Department. The security officer said ‘Listen prick, just fuck off and leave us all alone, you need to be a disabled person, not having an alleged disabled car’. I said ‘My car is also a person, look at him, his name is Harry Porker and he now does not have a nose’. The security officer gets up and walks away saying ‘Im not having this shit today, im really not having it’. I said to him ‘Im not giving you shit, if you wanted shit, il take my nappy off and give you that instead’. This is when the head of security comes along and says that why im bothering his staff this time for. I said I want a disabled badge. The head of security took a piece of paper and wrote ‘Disabled’ on it and stuck it on my chest and said ‘There you go Andy, now your disabled, now get the hell out of my office and go pester someone else damn it!’. I said before I left ‘Im going to make a complaint about you, you called me disabled!’
I put in a complaint in writing to HR about the security officer. The Director of HR, Janet Lynch comes to me and says that she received this statement from me earlier in the week and would like to go through it with me. After sitting down and talking to her, she said that she spoke to the security department and their response was that you never went in to their office and they cannot recall no such incident. I said to Janet, ‘He’s a fucking liar, he called me disabled and he put a badge on my chest saying it as well’. Janet says ‘Well, the whole security department said the same thing so really its 4 against 1. Furthermore, your car parked outside is causing some serious problems to the Trust as everytime the patients leave site in their cars, they see a pig van with penis marks on it’. I said to Janet, ‘Its not a pig van, his name is Harry Porker and the security department called me disabled and now the prick is denying it because he knows the procedure will become costly and time consuming and the result will be no action taken just like it was with me at Harefield Hospital so all I can do now is accept the pricks comments and move on. Im going to go to the Chief Executive about this.
The Deputy Chief Executive Colin ‘Scaly Skin’ Scales came along to talk to me about my complaint.Colin said that Julie could not come because she is fed up with my issues and has better things to focus her time on. I could see he had his trousers unzipped and I could see his plonker. I said to Colin ‘How dare you come here and mock me and offer sex, what type of a man do you think I am, I am happily married to Terry’. Scaly Skin said ‘I was not offering sex Andy, I was merely discussing your complaint you put in about the security department, although if you were to offer something in that region, I could help get you your disabled badge, I am a rabid dog lover’. I said to Colin ‘Im not a fucking dog, go fuck yourself you sick dog shagger!’. I ended up letting Colin ‘Scaly Skin’ Scales take me up the arse in return for a disabled badge. My bottom feels all soar and I think he has passed on his scaly skin disease on to me through rectal stimulation. Im going to try and hide this from Nipple-T otherwise im sleeping in a tent in the garden tonight.
I went back home yesterday and was in bed with Terry, Terry says to me why I feel so down and not up to my usual cheerful self. I lied to Nipple-T and said everything was ok but I think he knew something was wrong. Cherry-boi asked me why I don’t feel like having sex with him over the last few days and I could not come to tell him that I now have an arse disease from the Scaly Skin Colin Scales
Terry came down to me this morning in the kitchen and started shouting at me. He said when I left the bed, I left a heap of flaky skin behind and he wants to know whats going on. I said ‘nothing is going on dear, your imagining things’. Terry was so angry that he came up to me and tore my nappy off and saw my scaly skin arse disease. Terry said ‘what the fucking hell is that and is it infectious!’. I said ‘it was just a little accident at work, I sat on Colin Scales chair and his fungal infected chair contaminated my bottom and now my bottom is infected’. Nipple-T said ‘Have you seen a doctor about this as its health and safety violation of our bed’. I said ‘no I haven’t, it should be ok, it should go away soon’. Cherry-Boi ‘Is this why you haven’t let me near you and why I couldn’t hug and cuddle you in bed’. I said ‘yes, it is’. Terry said ‘I really love you but tonight your sleeping in the fucking tent in the garden until that shit sorts out on your arse because there is no way im going to get infected by it and go back to Harefield Hospital wearing a nappy’.
Im not happy with Nipple-T. I was sleeping in the tent last night and when I woke up this morning, there was a rat sleeping next to me!! At first I thought it was Terry as you cannot tell the difference but then later realized it was a REAL rat. I don’t think this is going to help my scaly skin arse infection. I got my disabled badge today too and I will always be in depth to Colin ‘Scaly Skin’ Scales. Bbbbbreewwwaa!
Colin Scales comes up to me today and asks me if I received the disabled badge I wanted. I said ‘Yes, I did, thank you so much, you are so lovely. Please let me know if you would like anything ever’. Colin said ‘Well, Andy, come to mention, there is something you could do’. I said ‘Please tell me’. Colin said ‘Well, I went out my way to get you a disabled badge and now I want your bottom on the wall of my office’. I said to Colin ‘What on earth are you talking about, I only accepted to fuck you once, not a repeated thing you know, im not a solicitor you know’. Colin said ‘you must do exactly as I say for the duration of the disabled badge and because im the Deputy Chief Executive’. I said to Colin ‘Im not a fucking slag you know, im already in a relationship with my lover Terry ‘Nipple-T’ White’. I don’t know why but I let Colin have his way with me
I was taking Terry to work today in Harry Porker and Terry had a monument of the Eiffel Tower in his hand which he put on the drivers seat. When I came to sit, the end of the Eiffel Tower penetrated my nappy and went straight up my arse. I screamed as loud as I could. I said to Terry ‘Why the fuck did you put that over there for you fucking prick’. Terry said ‘I was just rearranging my gown, why the fuck you don’t watch where your sitting you fucking spastic’. I said to him ‘Don’t talk to me like that you Hippo, im doing you a favour taking you to work today’. Terry says ‘ DOING ME A FAVOUR, What in this! I just hope I don’t get caught in it’. I said to Terry ‘Let me go inside and do a quick nappy change and I will be right back’. Terry said ‘Just make sure the Taj Mahal don’t get you tomorrow’.
I was making breakfast downstairs today and Terry the Cherry comes downstairs and started screaming at me. He said he received an anonymous letter from someone at Wexham Park Hospital saying that me and Harry are involved in a relationship together and that I have been doing Harry up the exhaust pipe. I said to Terry that the allegations are false. Terry says ‘Is this why you like Harry so much and why you were down at the garage the other day getting the exhaust changed’. I said to Terry that someone is making all this up and not to believe any of it. Terry says ‘I am going to investigate this fully because either you or Harry is lying and if I find out your lying, I will smash Harry up’.
I went in to work today and I asked Colin if he sent an anonymous letter Terry saying me and Harry and involved in a relationship together. Colin says ‘Well Andy, finally I got your attention eh. Considering you were being so difficult with me for the last few weeks, I thought id teach you a lesson’.‘I told you I wanted your bottom but you were not giving so I had to do something to get your attention’. I said to Colin ‘But why did you say it was Harry’s fault, he’s innocent in all this, keep him out of it’. Colin says ‘Harry is the problem, you seem to love him more then me. Harry has always been the problem. Why do you think iv been drawing dick marks on him for the last few months!!’. I said to Colin ‘YOU FUCKING BASTARD, THAT WAS YOU!!! I should shop you in to the police for it. Was it you who took his nose and can I have it back’.
Colin came along to me today and said to me that he has Harrys nose and he left it on top of Harry in the car park. I said to Colin ‘Why the fuck did you leave it on TOP of Harry, dont you know that its his nose and it has to be put on the front of his face’. Colin says ‘When you say his face, do you mean near the exhaust pipe because i could not find one!’. I said to Colin ‘No, you fucking div, i mean on his face, he dont have an exhaust because the garage is in the process of having it replaced because the exhaust they put on was too big’.
I went back home today and Terry was not happy again. He says someone has been posting pictures of me to all our neighbours letter boxes which shows me wearing my nappy in the car park in the hospital. Nipple-T said ‘We live in a respectable neighbourhood and you turn round and are disgracing all of us because of your fucking nappy issues’. I said to Terry ‘You know something, i married you because i love you and i chose to stay with you even though you have three berries, just because i wear a nappy, it does not make me any less of a man and you should respect me and accept me in sickness and in poor’. Terry says ‘Oh shut up you fucking knob head, our neighbours have accepted our homosexuality, i dont think it is necessary that they see pictures of the man i love at work wearing a nappy, who fucking has been posting this shit anyway!’.
I went to Colin today at work and asked him if hes been posting pictures of me in my nappy to the neighbours. Colin totally denied this. He said ‘Why would i give you Harrys nose back just to do something to the man i love’. I said to Colin, ‘I love you too but someone has been doing this to me and Terry found out yesterday and he wasn’t very happy’. Colin said to me ‘You poor darling, that must of been so traumatic for you, come here, let me give you a hug’. I could feel Colin doing something to me behind my back, next thing i know, my nappy falls and i quickly move away from Colin. I said to Colin, ‘What the fuck was that for’. Colin says ‘I want you bottom of course’. I said, ‘No way bastard, i love Terry and his berries’. Colin made me an offer i could not refuse, he said he will make me in to the Deputy Chief Operating Officer of Wexham Park Hospital. This is an offer i could not refuse so i let Colin have his way.
I am now the Deputy Chief Operating Officer of Wexham Park Hospital and im wearing a nappy for christs sakes!!
My Darling Terry let me sleep in the bed last night for Halloween He said he felt scared something might happen to him in the night with all the porno pictures being posted through the neighbours doors. I said to Nipple-T that he has nothing to worry about because i would never let any harm come to him or his three berries. Terry was happy with that. He says, ‘Here, i treat you like a dog and all along you still show me love, come here my darling’. Me and Terry hugged for the rest of the night. Thankfully, my nappy stayed on. Terry said, ‘I know i treated you differently over the last couple of months because of your scaly skin arse disease but i want to let you know, we are now a married couple and what is yours is mine and you can come back in to the house and sleep in the bed’. I thanked Terry for this but had to ask ‘What about Richard the Rat in the tent in the garden, what will happen to him’. Terry says ‘If Richard is that important, he can come live in the house as well’.
I woke up this morning and Richard had disappeared from our bed. I ran around the whole house looking and shouting for him but could not find him. Terry comes out of the bathroom and asks what all the commotion is about. I said to Nipple-T ‘Where is Richard, hes not in his bed and his bowl of water is untouched.’. Terry said ‘Dont worry you prick, Colin came around this morning to take him home so he and his wife can look after him for a while. Richard didnt mind’. I said to Nipple-T ‘How the fuck will he mind, hes a fucking rat and doesn’t have a proper mind’.
I got in to work this morning and went straight to Colin and said to him i want Richard back. Colin said ‘Why do you want Richard for when you have Harry, i want to feel loved as well so i took Richard instead’. I said to Scaly boy ‘I will call the fucking police on you for kidnapping Richard from me’. Colin says ‘Just easy there one second sexy boy, all i want is your bottom and once i get it, i will give Richard back to you’. I told him to fuck off because i love Terry and there is no way i will put my relationship at risk because of Colins bottom or Richards bottom’. Colin said ‘Well, in that case if your not going to give me your bottom, i will have to use Richards bottom’.
I came into work today and i heard that Colin handed his resignation in and Julie Burgess is now gone too because she was only working temporarily. Now i cant even find Richard anywhere and im wondering whether he will ever come back to me. The new Chief Operating Officer is John ‘Not so wiggly’ Wiggins and he was giving me funny looks when he came in to work today through the car park. The new Chief Executive hasn’t started yet but im not sure what she will say about my nappy and dog face.
I found out today that i am now the deputy Chief Operating Officer because the Trust says that i have done such a good job in the car park and keeping the patients away from the hospital that they have saved a fortune. Some staff have even refused to come back to work because of me and the Trust say that this is a way round to cutting costs. Now the management and John ‘Not so wiggly’ Wiggins are asking me to wear more outfits and more graphic nappies so the job can become diversified. I dont really have a problem but my darling Terry said to me ‘Does that mean i will be living with a freak, iv tolerated the nappy but the fucking make-up and graphic nappies aint on sunshine’.
I had John ‘Not so Wiggly’ Wiggins come up to me today and congratulated me on keeping the hospital clear from all those dirty and ill patients. He said ‘Andy, i thought you could never do it but if we go the way we are now, we will be making a profit by the end of the year and you will get that bonus you always wanted’. I said to John ‘Thank you so much John, i have been exhausted here in the car park for the last few months, i deserve a break’. John said to me ‘I have spoken to the Chief Executive and she says that Harry can come along and stay in the car park next to you as this will make the problem even better but if the health inspectors turn up, just make sure you tell them that you are a patient of the Trust otherwise if they find out we are encouraging you to do this, we will be in serious shit and we might need another new Chief Executive to do the lesbian job.
I took Terry to work today to Harefield Hospital in Harry Porker and through the whole journey Terry was shouting and swearing at me. He said ‘You fucking prick, watch the fucking lamp post you arsehole and and check the fucking wing view mirror’. I said to Terry ‘Dont you fucking talk to me like that in front of Harry, he understands you, im doing you a favour taking you to work today, i dont have to you know, its not in my job description you know’. Terry says ‘Oh fuck off you dickhead and drive properly. Harry is not human i told you that before and if you start this shit about Harrys feelings, i will smash you up’. I immediately stopped the car/van and asked Terry to kindly step outside the car. Terry says ‘Why the fuck you leaving me out here on Harvil road for you wanker, all the employees are going to Harefield Hospital will see me’. I said to Terry ‘If you cannot respect me for me and Harry for Harry, then you are not good enough to come in to this car’. Terry says ‘Open the fucking door you fucking dick wod, you cant leave me out here, what if Julie Rochelle drives past in her Mini Cooper and catches me like this in my gown in the middle of Harefield, i will be the laughing stock of the Cardiology department’. I said ‘Good, i hope she takes a picture of you and puts it on the notice board in the department you fucking muppet, just be thankful i dont take your gown off and that with me too, you will definately be a laughing stock then and technically the gown is hospital property’. Whilst i was driving away, i could hear Terry shouting and swearing and even heard a brick being thrown at Harry.
Terry did not come home last night or the night before and i was getting worried so i went down to Harvil Road this morning to see if everythings ok. I went with Harry. When i approached the spot, i saw a gown in the middle of the road and when i went a little closer, i saw Terry tied to a tree without his gown on. His arse was being shown to the whole world. I got out of Harry and said to Terry ‘Honey, what happened to you, im sorry’. Terry said ‘You fucking motherfucker, you come down now, i will fucking kill you you prick for leaving me in the middle of Harefield’. I said ‘Why, what happened and why is your gown not on’. Terry said ‘Some pricks come along and saw me here and thought it would be funny to strip me naked and tie me to a tree and this is all your fucking fault. I managed to get my gown back on but because its been so windy this morning, it flew off and my arse and balls is fucking freezing’. I said ‘Im so sorry, i didnt know this would happen, i got a little angry thats all, come here, let me give you a hug’. Terry said ‘Well, i need a fucking gown first you fucking prick, did you not know that im the divisional head of Human resources and that many employees in the NHS dont like me, you just gave them a reason to take the fucking piss out of me now and loads of employees of the hospital have seen me like this, i will be a laughing stock’. Terry said that he will not be going anywhere in Harry because he feels embarrassed now to do so in front of him, i persuaded him that all will be ok and just be strong.
Me and Terry got back home and Terry says that he will get revenge for what i did to him and causing him all the embarrassment This morning when i woke up, i went to get a nappy change and could not find the box of nappies. I asked Terry if hes seen it. Terry said, ‘just because you cant find your nappies, it doesn’t mean i have taken it you prick’. I said to Terry ‘I know you have it, i can tell by that grin on your face’. ‘I said i dont fucking have it you wanko!’ said Terry. I said ‘Ok, well be that as it may, i will just have to explore other avenues to compensate my nappy loss’. Terry said ‘What do you fucking mean by that you prick’. I said to Terry ‘You will see’.
I went in to our bedroom and in to Terry’s cupboard and took out one of his favourite suits (The grey one) and took it and tied it round my arse using the arms as the nappy. I came downstairs and said to Terry ‘Im going to work now dear, see you tonight’. Terry had a gawped look on his face and said ‘You fucking bastard, take my suit off, my mother gave me that for my birthday you fucking sick fuck’. I said to Terry ‘This is not your suit, this is my nappy’. Terry went in to the living to look for a baseball bat, in which time i quickly jumped in to Harry and ran away. Terry comes running down the street shouting and screaming saying he will chop my balls off when i come back home tonight.
I came back home last night around 9pm wondering that Terry may have gone to sleep. The lights were all off and i deliberately parked Harry out on the streets. I quietly opened the door and went inside and not to mutter a single word. I turned the light on and Terry was sat there on the sofa with a Baseball bat in his hand. He wakes up and says ‘You fucking motherfucker, i will fucking kill you, you wore my favourite suit around you arse and now its covered in shit’. I said ‘Honey, you stole my nappies and the bag it comes in, i had no choice’. I was running around the dinner at this time. Terry says ‘ I will fucking kill you, i want you to pay for a brand new suit because i aint wearing your shit no more’. I said ‘Il get you a new gown from Wexham Park’. Terry says ‘I dont want a fucking gown, i want a suit, the gown comes off when its windy and everyone sees my balls’. I said ‘Do you want a suit with a centre vent then or double vent or no vents’. Terry says ‘You fucking piss taking bastard, say that again, say that again you fucking shit, i will fucking kill you’.
Me and Terry were having dinner last night on the dinner table and Terry said to me ‘Do you think there will ever be a cure found for gay men’. I said to Terry ‘Of course dear, they already have that invented, its called the lipseal’. Terry says ‘What the fuck is that supposed to mean’. I said ‘Well, you get a lipseal, rub it around your arsehole and it keeps away the chaps’. Terry got pissed at me. He says ‘Maybe we should put some lipseal around Harrys exhaust pipe and he wont be down the garage as often as he is’. i said to Terry ‘ Dont you dare talk about him like that, why dont you put your three berries to the side and rub it around your own arsehole if your berries Houie, Douie and Louis dont mind you fucking dip shit. Im sure Uncle Bob ‘scrooge’ McBell wont mind’. Terry gets angry and gets up with a plate in his hand and says ‘Where the fuck is my new suit you fucking wanker, i aint forgotten about that you know’. I quickly got up to run away and while i was, i said ‘The tailor is measuring the distance of the double back vents to not to interfere with the three berries’. Terry says ‘I will fucking kill you, come here now you fucking prick’. I quickly lock myself in the room.
Termite Terry calls me today while i was at work. He was frantic. He said ‘Andrew, ANDREW!!!, I NEED YOUR HELP. THEY GOT ME, THEY FUCKING GOT ME’. I said to cherry boi ‘What are you talking about dear, who got you and where the fuck are you’. Terry says that hes calling me from the Battersea Dogs home. I said to Terry ‘How did you get there’. He said ‘I was walking down Harvil Road and some black people were driving past and quickly stopped the car and threw me in to the boot of their car and transported me to the Battersea dogs home and i want you to come and bail me out’. Termite carried on ‘There is this rottweiler in the kennel next door and he keeps starring at my three berries and im afraid to go to sleep in case he chews them off and these bastard staff have taken my gown off and left me here naked and vulnerable. I need you and Harry to come and get me’. I said to Terry ‘How dare you ask me to come there with Harry, i will not put Harry through that risk, they might just impound him’. Terry says ‘Im not fucking about on this one you prick, you better come and get me because if i lose my three berries because of you or get placed in to a family home, i will escape and come and chop your fucking balls off’. I said to Terry ‘Threats will not get you anywhere, unless you start being nice to me and Harry, im not coming to you under any terms’ and i put the phone down and took the phone off the hook.
I got a knock on the door this morning and it was the RSPCA inspector. He said does Terry Termie White live here. I thought it would be funny and say ‘No, he doesnt, he moved out a long time ago, i dont know where he went’ and i closed the door.
I was fast asleep last night and i heard the front door slam shut. It was 2am. I turned the bedroom light on and there was Terry stood there with his gown ripped and open staring at me with a garden rake in his hand. I said to Nipple-T ‘Honey, whats wrong and how did you get out’. Terry said ‘You better worry about you gonna get out you fucking prick when i raked your nappy off!!’. I quickly jumped out of the open window and said to Terry that i was going to come and get him but just havent had the time. Terry says ‘You just watch what happens to Harry now you fucking wanker, you know how dodgy Harvil Road is and the things that have been happening to me when i walk down there. So far iv been tied to a tree for two days with my gown all off and now i got impounded at the Battersea dogs home and out of all this misery, your sat here relaxing in you fucking nappy but not anymore you prick, you sleep in the fucking tent from now on in the back garden with Richard or Harry or whoever the fuck you sleep with’.
I got up today to go to work and when i went in to Harry and started him up, i heard a loud roar. I got out and had a look at the back and the exhaust had been removed. I went inside the house and ask Terry where is Harrys exhaust Termite sarcastically says ‘You didnt use the lipseal did you, that why his exhaust is fucked up’. I said that its been making a loud roar noise and i need it sorted out otherwise everyone will see me driving him. Termite boy says ‘They already see you driving him, now they will hear you coming before they see you so they can decide whether they want to look at your ugly mug or turn away from you, im actually doing you a favour’. I said to Terry ‘Just because you got impounded at Batterseas, it doesnt mean that its me or Harrys fault, you should be careful when you walk down Harvil road so no one catches you or fucks you right up like they have been’. Terry told me to Fuck off before he chops harrys balls off as well. I said to Terry ‘What balls, i didnt know he had balls, can you show me where they are please!’.
I came home from work today and i was exhausted. I looked all over the house and Terry was no where. His gown was ironed and left on the bed. I went in to the bedroom and thought it would be funny to rip a giant hole on the arse of the gown and place it there on the bed for him to wear to work tomorrow.
I got up this morning and went to work earlier then normal so i dont have to face Nipple-T. Next thing you know i get a phone call on my mobile from Termite boy around 11am saying that when i come home tonight, he will fucking kill me and smash Harry in the nose. I said to Nipple-T ‘Whatever the earth are you going on about dear?’. Terry says ‘You know what im going on about you fucking wanker, you tore a hole in my gown in hope i would not notice it but i did. I only realised it because there was a board meeting at the Harefield Hospital site this morning and the Communications Director Jo Thomas comes up to me and said that i should leave the board room because it inappropriate what i am doing. I told her i dont know what the fuck she is talking about. She says that ‘You’ve had a gown malfunction’. I took a look around and next thing you know the board room bursts out laughing. Later on, i find out i got the safeguarding team on me saying i did this on purpose to get some attention from the journalist and public who were sat there too. I sat to the fucks that i didnt do this for no attention and that a prick is sat at home fantasizing about Harry is the one who did it. I said to Nipple-T ‘Maybe you stole a faulty gown’. Terry says, ‘I didnt steal no faulty shit but you wait till you get home tonight because Harrys getting fucked, you fucking watch you dog face gremlin, Im gonna call we buy any car dot com and Harrys getting deported for the cheapest price to Battersea dogs home’
I was in the garden yesterday while Termite was upstairs in his bedroom. I threw a stone at the window to get Nipple-Ts attention. Termite pops his head out of the window and says ‘What the fuck you want you fucking prick’. I said ‘Can i please come in and get a bottle of water from the fridge’. Nipple-T says ‘Why dont you just drink your piss or even better drink some petrol out of Harrys engine’. I said ‘Im sorry about the gown incident, it was just a joke, i dont deserve to sleep in the tent because of it, i have my own problems’. Terry says ‘What really pisses me off is that i didnt even notice the rip in the gown and what takes the piss even more is that the communication director communicated it with me, quite fucking stupid if you ask me, i have suffered enough embarrassment from the tree issue on Harvil road and now journalists and the public have seen my arse again thanks to you and im more worried what the journalist will write in next weeks paper. Your a big fucking embarrassment anyway with your fucking nappy problem all the time’. I said to Nipple-T ‘Actually if you think about it, you probably wish you did wear a nappy now too then you would not be in this mess’. Nipple-T says ‘Shall i come down there and whack you one you fucking prick because this time i will take your nappy off and take the tent away and you will only have the grass to live on just like in Rambo 3, we see how much talk you got when you have a grass rug burn on your balls’. I was very angry at Cherry boi at this time so i responded by saying ‘Like the rug burn Bob Bell gave you for that overdue library book last year’. Nipple-T responds and says ‘Why the fuck you answer back all the time, you work in the car park in Wexham Park because you couldn’t stop bleaching your arse hole you fucking dick wank!’.
Terry said to me because the weather is so hot, it would be better to stop wearing the nappies and start toilet training properly. However, i will still be living in the tent in the garden.
I got up this morning and unzipped the tent. I saw the back door open and Nipple-T was in the garden having his breakfast before he went to work. His back was turned towards me and so i thought it would be clever to sneak in to the house and get some food and some nappies so that i can also get ready to go to work. This is when Nipple-T turned round with a load of grass in his mouth and saw me trying to get in to the house. He was so pissed at me that he screamed out ‘Oi, you fucking prick, what you think you are doing’. i said ‘Honey, i was just trying to get some food and clothes to prepare myself to go to work in the car park at Wexham Park Hospital’. Termie Termite says ‘No, you weren’t you fucking wanker, you were trying to sneak in to the house so you can tamper and vandalize my gown weren’t you’. I said ‘No, i swear i wasn’t’. Termite says ‘Come here you fucking dickhead, im gonna kill you’. At that moment i screamed and ran away through the side of the house whilst Terry was chasing me (still with all the grass in his mouth).
I called Termite from work today. I said i will not be coming back home to him now and i will live with my other lover Geoff Brown, the Divisional Head of Human Resources of Harefield Hospital. Termie says ‘What, that wanker who stole my job because he didn’t do his job properly in the first place. Yeah, that’s good, why don’t you go live with him instead, your nappy and tent will be on the drive for you tonight, that wanker Geoff, Harry or Richard, whoever the fuck your fucking now can come pick it up for you, i had enough of your fucking problems, no wonder your wife could not live with you anymore and why the Bob Bell rubbed his arse on your face and just to celebrate this great day, i will purchase a brand new gown’. I said to Termie ‘Make sure you wear underwear underneath it!’. Just when i said that i heard Terry shouting and swearing at me whilst i put the phone down.
Geoff comes up to me today and says ‘Andrew babe, when you come to the house, try to park Harry on the other side street and try not to leave the house wearing a nappy, i have my dignity to look after in the neighbourhood here in North London’. I said to Geoff ‘Fuck off you prick and dont insult Harry, me and him come together, just understand one thing, you are getting free homosexuality out of me for this’. Geoff says ‘Ok ok I understand i clearly understand, i think i can live with Harry and the Nappy, forget i said anything. I will go and pick up your belongings from Terrys house tonight’.
Me and Geoff went to Terrys after work today to collect my things. Termie cherry opens the front door with a rolling pin in his hand. He says ‘What the fuck you bring him for’. I said to Cherry boi ‘Come on you two, you aint upset with each other for that gown thing are you?’. Terry says ‘Why shouldn’t i be, he sold me a fake versace gown!’. Geoff gets angry and said ‘What you chatting about, you paid for it with a fake tenner!’. I said ‘ok ok boys, lets leave it at that, i just want my things that all’. Terry says ‘Your nappy and tent is in the living room, go and get it but the goat Geoff stays out here’. I said thats fine. Whilst i was inside, i heard Terry say to Geoff ‘First you steal my job, now you steal my man’. Geoff says ‘I didn’t steal your job, just because you were playing politics at Harefield Hospital, it doesn’t mean i should pay the penalty for and second of all i didn’t steal your man, Andrew was bored of you so thats why he came to me, A REAL MAN!’. Terry says ‘Oh i see, so im not a real man now am i?’. Geoff says ‘Yeah thats what im saying, why else you eating grass in the back garden for every morning’. Terry says ‘You don’t even have a fucking car and you travel on public transplant with your Oyster card, you only want Andrew because of Harry, once you steal Harry from him, Andy will come back to me, A REAL MAN!’. Thats when i came back out with my stuff and packed in to Harry. Geoff says ‘Is Termie always this nice?’, I said ‘No, sometimes he gets angry, haha’. ‘ He was disrespecting my Oyster card, shall i smack him one before we leave’ said Geoff, i said ‘Its best to leave it for now, he has a rolling pin in his hand and Harry cant run fast’.
Geoff comes up to me today and says ‘Babe, i wanted to tell you something before you go to work and that is that i have always loved you’. I said to Geoff ‘I love you too and always have. I was only living with Nipple-T because he had three berries and a big house but i soon got fed up of that’. Geoff says, ‘ You know that time Termie was tied to that tree on Harvil Road, well, i was on the U9 bus that morning going in to work and i saw him and so did everyone else but i didnt report it when i got to work so that i get an extra day off work and he will be in trouble when he gets back, not to mention the embarrassment!’. I said to Geoff ‘Haha, that was quite funny, i only told him to get out of the car because he kept swearing at me all the time, i really did not know some black people will come along and tie him up to the tree and strip his gown off, you got to see the funny side eh’. Geoff says ‘Anyway darling, i have to get to work so im going to be going because my Oyster card also needs topping up’.
Geoff calls me up today from work and says ‘Darling, guess whats happened’. I said ‘What? Has Terry got a new gown?’. Geoff says ‘No, but i lost my Oyster card’. I said ‘How the fuck did you lose it’. Geoff says ‘Terry was down in the office this morning asking about a HR report and once i had my back turned on the computer, he must of taken it and i have no money because i spent it on alcohol and beer, can you and Harry come and get me’. I said ‘I cant because i dropped Harry to the garage, you will have to walk it’. Geoff says ‘Why the fuck shall i walk it for down Harvil Road, i learnt my lesson from whats happened to Terry, im not going to get caught with my trousers down there, its a dodgy place and my dignity is already in tatters over that dismissal that i supported you in carrying out!’.
Geoff comes up to me today in the morning before going to work and he says to me that he is going to confront Termie about the missing Oyster card and if Nipple-T dont give it back, hes going to make him lose his lower ranking job as well.
Sexy Geoff comes back home today with a black eye. I said to him ‘What the fuck happened to you?’. Geoff says ‘I confronted that prick Termie about the Oyster card’. I said ‘and what he say, i bet he denied it, he did the same with my nappy box’. Geoff says ‘He said that he dont steal things and that the only thief around here is me because i stole his job and i stole his man and if i dont stop going on about my Oyster card, he will steal my clothes and tie me to the tree outside of the hospital, thats when i got so pissed at him and said to him, well, go on then you fucking dickhead, i dare ya, you’ve been exposing yourself to the whole of the hospital staff with that tree incident you had not to mention what happened in the board room a few weeks ago thats when the prick just threw his hole punch at me and i was out cold on the floor’. I said to Geoff ‘Oh dear, that sounds terrible, here, let me give you a hug. Dont worry about Berry-T, on the day of judgement, god will strike him down’. Geoff says ‘Lets hope that day comes soon because i need my Oyster card back’.
Geoff comes up to me today and says that he checked his Oyster card number online and it came back thats its currently being used in the Harefield area and the Slough and Watford area too. He says he now knows it is Terry because someone used it to come to Harefield Hospital this morning on the bus and he will catch Termie and put him on the disciplinary board. I said ‘Good for you darling, make sure before you discipline him, you make him do more work in the hospital so that way he will be pissed off for losing his job’.
I came home today from work and Geoff was sat there on the chair watching TV without any clothes on. I said to the prick ‘What the fuck you doing sat there on the armchair with your balls hanging down’. Geoff says ‘Why dont you just shut the fuck up you prick, this is my house and i will do as i please’. I said ‘Ok, be that as it may, why are you so grumpy anyway’. Geoff says ‘He has some bad news’. I said ‘What the fuck is it dear’. Geoff says ‘i received an anonymous letter today saying that you had an affair with Colin Scales AKA Scaly Skin’. I said ‘That is completely fabricated, i bet that its Terry sending all this shit to you to stir all the trouble up between you and me, hes a jealous bastard and made me live in a tent because he did not trust me’. Geoff says ‘I understand your point but you have to understand my position’. I said ‘You mean when your sat there with your balls hanging’. Geoff says ‘No, you wanker, i mean as the Divisional Head of HR’. Geoff carried on saying ‘I know i cant suspend you because your not working under me except when at nights in bed where i keep my eye on you properly! so under those circumstances until i complete my investigation, you sleep in the FUCKING TENT IN THE GARDEN!!’. I said ‘ What the fuck is this, you live in a third floor maisonette where theres hardly room for a few people to stand. Termies coming between us, remember he stole your Oyster card as well, he was probably trying to get me to get the blame for it, dont let him come between us, hes a prick who deliberately showed his arse to innocent civilians at the hospital and now hes been investigated for all that shit BY Safeguarding so now hes getting revenge’. Geoff says ‘I know this is hard to take but the tent in the fucking garden it is for now, you can still use the kitchen but the fucking toilet dont flush so you will need a bucket in the balcony if you run out of your nappies’. I said ‘You fucking bastard, after i trusted you. I gave you my anal virginity and this is how you thank me’. Geoff says ‘I dont think you were an anal virgin when i met you, just look at how much Terry used you and lets not start about Colin and Harry’. I said to the prick to go and fuck his mum.
Watch when i catch Nipple-T, hes gonna get run over with Harry.
I went into the house today to use the toilet and to my surprise I saw the following scene. I was gob smacked. I ran into the living room to Geoff and asked him what’s all that shit on the urinal. Geoff says, ‘That prick Termie came along yesterday to me at lunch time and offered me lunch on him for throwing that hole punch at me. He said he apologizes and that if I will accept some prawn curry he got for me from the canteen which I gladly accepted. I don’t think it was prawn curry but scotch bon chillis, now my fucking dick and arsehole are hurting’. I said ‘see, that bastard Nipple-T is trying to come between us. He knows we can’t get the police on him because scotch bon chillis are perfectly legal. He did this on purpose that bastard. Now you know why he kept getting fucked over down Harvil road when he walked there because this is the type of shit he does’. Geoff says ‘I’m really not in the mood to talk and just want to go to sleep’.
I went down Harefield Hospital today to speak to Termie-T about that chilli thing. I saw him sat on one of the benches in the hospital grounds while I was driving Harry in. Nipple-T saw me shouted out, ‘Oi dickhead, you need a permit to bring that piece of shit down here’. I got out of Harry and confronted Termie. I said, ‘you got a lot of explaining to do mr?’. Termie says, ‘Look, I’m on my lunch break at the moment and I aint got time for your shit, can I offer you some prawn curry?’. I said, ‘no you fucking can’t you wanker. I know that aint prawns your offering me. Geoff is ill because of you. He’s been pissing blood all day yesterday and today because you offered him scotch bon chillis!’. Termie says, ‘its not my fault he can’t handle the heat. I offered him food in good faith, he didn’t have to take it’. I said ‘and you sent him that letter about Colin’. Termie says, ‘Oh fuck off you dick, these are your problems, I don’t have to listen to this shit, I’m on my unpaid lunch break at the moment so take Harry and fuck off before I get security on you’. Before I left I said to Terry that this not over by a long shot. I will get him for what he did to my darling Geoff.
Fuck off, I HATE YOU!!
I went in Geoffs computer and looked up his Oyster card number online. To my amazement, it was being topped up and being used quite a lot in the Harefield area. I knew it was Termie using it so i plotted a plan to sort the bastard out for poisoning my lover Geoff with the Scotch Bon Chillis. I waited until the evening before Termie finishes work and called up London Transport and reported the Oyster card stolen. They immediately cancelled it so Termie will have to walk it home down Harvil road again.
I was at home yesterday evening tendering to my lover Geoffs ill health. It was around 8pm and i said to Sexy Geoff that i need to go out to fill Harry up with petrol. Geoff says make sure i bring some kebabs when i get back. I said to Geoff ‘Dont worry dear, once you get well, you can play with my kebabs all day and night’. Geoff said ‘Just fuck off you dickhead, im not in the mood’. I took and Harry and left for Harvil Road. I drove down Harvil Road looking for Nipple-T and whilst i was driving down i saw a shadow in the mist. To my amazement it was the bastard Termie walking down exhausted like the old bastard that he is. I sped Harry up to get near the prick and jumped out when i saw him. I had a carrier bag over my head. I said to Termie ‘Oi you motherfucker, get the fuck down, get the fuck down now before i chop your fucking balls up you wanker, i told you about the revenge I was going to get and your going to get it good now!’. Termie said ‘Listen you fucking dickhead, my legs are hurting and i need to get home. I aint got time for your gay shit’. At that moment i tore his gown off and got some rope and tied him to the tree with his arse showing to the whole of Harefield. Termie says ‘Oi OI OI dont fucking fuck about, i will fucking kill you when i get out of here, i swear i will, you untie me now or im fucking you up first thing tomorrow morning’. I said to ‘Shut the fuck up you termite before i get really angry and give you a good old fashion Harefield Rug Burn. You have nothing to worry about, I will send an ambulance straight back to get you!”. Termie said ‘Don’t you fucking call the ambulance, if you fucking call them, I will smash you up when I get out’. I said ‘Dont worry, I will let Harefield switch know its urgent, the paramedics will know what to do!’. Once Termie was tied up and finished off, i took a camera and took a picture of him with his three berries dangling from side to side. I said to Termie before i left ‘Watch what i do now, the fucking picture is going on Facebook and im sending the links to all internal staff at Harefield!’. Whilst i was in Harry driving off i could hear Terry shouting and screaming saying that he will get me for fucking about with him and Geoff will get fucked up when hes back from his sickness. I told Termie to Fuck off and that the ambulance is on its way!!
I finally got back home tendering to my lover Geoff. I said to Geoff ‘I took the time today to get your Oyster card cancelled so whoever was using it for the last few weeks will get a nasty surprise when they get on the U9 bus’. Geoff says ‘Good, i hope the bastard who took it dies’.
I was at work today and i got a phone call from Geoffrey on my mobile. I quickly went to a quite spot in the car park so i can answer it. Geoff said ‘Guess whats happened this morning after you left for work?’. I said ‘What the fucks happened?’. Geoff says ‘The police were round here this morning. They said they wanted to speak to you about an incident on Harvil road a few nights ago between a man with a carrier bag over his head and that Termie’. I said ‘What the fuck did you say and what’s happened to that prick Nipple-T?’. Geoff says ‘They said they had to take Termie to Hillingdon A&E because his Berries got frostbites on them and he was seen tied to the tree again on Harvil Road slouched. Down!’. I said ‘That’s terrible, i hope he’s OK, who would do such a thing, did they say whose done it’. Geoff says ‘No they didn’t but i’m quite surprised they want to talk to you about it. They said they only found him there because a old lady was driving to the hospital that morning and saw him slumped down at the tree so she called the police That night when you went to get some petrol for Harry, you didn’t end up going anywhere else afterwards did you?’. I said ‘Of course not, i went to the petrol station and came straight back, i cant believe you would accuse me of something so dirty and horrid’. Geoff says ‘ Don’t worry, the pigs have gone now, i told them your at work so they might come round later. They said they saw Termie attached to a tree on Harvil road and they had to cut the tree off because someone tied him on there a bit too tightly, they said they found him crying and he pissed himself and his Berries were frostbitten and now they think he needs an operation and he might lose one of them’. I said ‘Good for him at least this bad British weather has somehow benefited him to make him look normal now’.
I called Termie up in the wards at Hillingdon Hospital. Termie answers the phone and i said to him if he tells anyone what i did then the picture of his arse i took will be on the hospitals notice board and all over the internet. Nipple-T said ‘Dont worry dickhead, i dont need the police to do the work for me, i will kick your fucking arse myself and you wait until i see that Wanker Geoff, i will give him one of my special curries this time. He will be burning out of his arse’. I said to Termie Termite before i hung up ‘Make sure you keep Geoffs Oyster card topped up to prevent incidents like that happening again!’. Termie screams down the phone and says ‘You wanker, that was you, i will fucking punch you one in your dog face when i see you, i had no fucking money that day but dont worry you will pay the fucking price. I will get better and thats when i will hunt you down and destroy Harry’. I said ‘If you even think about touching Harry, i will distribute the picture i took all over the Hillingdon Borough and put your address and telephone number on it so everyone knows where to find you!’.
I got a letter from Nipple-Ts solicitors. They are demanding i pay the bill for the tree getting cut down on Harvil Road because Termie has been ordered to pay it as the council do not believe that he had been tied to the same tree twice this year by accident. I called Termie up at Hillingdon Hospital and asked him what all this shit is about?. Termie responds by saying ‘I will fucking do you, dont you worry, i will now fucking sue you for medical negligence just like those indian doctors medically neglected your face and turned you in to a dog! which i now have to tolerate. I will sue you for every penny and you will pay for the fucking tree getting cut down because i have had the Hillingdon and Harefield MP demand i pay for it because they think i did it for attention again and not to mention Bob Bell and his gay partner the Chairman of the Trust, His Majesty Lord Newton of SHIT-Tree!’. I said to Termie ‘That has quite a good ring to it Shit-Tree, i hope you didnt say that to the Lord Newton, maybe he got his name from being tied to trees just like you’. Termie says ‘You watch when i catch you, when i fully heal from these frostbites, i will kill Geoff first, then its Harry then its your mum then I will send an ambulance to get you’.
I got called into the Director of HR Janet Lynchs office this morning, she says she received a complaint by that Termie about the tree incident and now wants my employer Wexham Park Hospital to pay for it. I said ‘what the fuck you listening to him for, he was tied to the tree and it was self inflicted. He did it for attention thats what this is about. Now the dickhead has been asked to pay for it, he’s getting funny.’. Janet said to me that I need to keep my extra marital affairs outside of work under control. I said I don’t know what the fuck the prick Nipple-T is going on about and he needs to get his act together.
I called Nipple-T up at Harefield Hospital. Termie picks up the phone and says ‘yeh what the fuck you want, I’m busy with an employment tribunal claim that we have received’. I said to the prick ‘your going to get a little bit more busy now you knob. You fucking contacted my HR Director Janet Lynch up and made allegations against me. I will get you for that you grass eating hippo’. Termie says ‘ok ok ok don’t get a nappy rash about it, I didn’t do anything and even if I did, you deserve it. I want the money for the tree or I will undermine Geoff Brown, your lover down here’. I said to Termie ‘ Why don’t you just go fuck yourself you dickhead. You watch what I do with that picture of you, its going on the fucking internet, I will send it all the patients of Harefield Hospital as well and I will contact the local journalists about it too’. Berry-Nipple-T says ‘if any pictures go up on the internet, I will seriously fuck you up, I’m warning you. Don’t fucking fuck around’. I said to Termie ‘don’t worry, I will send copies of it to the Watford Employment Tribunal so the judges have an idea what to expect from you when you give evidence in cross-examination or shall I say NOT expect from you’. Termie says ‘I’m warning you, don’t you dare send it to the tribunal, the Trust will have to settle out of court then you fucking wildcard’. I said ‘don’t worry, I will make sure your employment tribunal claim goes smoothly’.
I went to Harefield Hospital last night and climbed in through one of the top floor windows and went to the notice board on the ground floor and put a picture of Termie on it. I bet all the patients and staff will enjoy it and it will brighten their day.
Termie contacts me on my mobile in the car park today and started shouting and swearing at me. I said ‘calm the fuck down dear, don’t get your berries in a frostbite’. Termie ‘your gonna pay for that. You will fucking pay for vandalizing the notice board. Geoff is back at work today and he will get two slaps just because your a wanker’. I said. ‘Leave Geoff and Harry out of this, I’m already sleeping on the balcony because of those letters you kept sending him’. Nipple-T says ‘Don’t worry because after today, he will throw you off the balcony you fucking cunt’.
Geoff comes up to me today and says ‘Guess whats happened at work today?’. I said’ What the fucks happened?’. Geoff says ‘Termie has been ordered to keep away from the main hospital because someone put a picture of his arse on the hospitals notice board at the main reception. Apparently there was a big crowd around the notice board and one patient was coming in to the hospital in a wheelchair even got up to take a closer look at the picture and was in hysterics’. I said ‘you cant blame her, Nipple-T should not be parading himself around like that. Its disrespectful and disgusting, at least the patients are now healing because of him and hes now doing some indirect clinical work’.
Geoff comes up to me today and says ‘Termies been acting strange all day today’. I said ‘Why the fuck is he the conversation of all our stories these days’. Geoff says ‘No, but seriously listen to this one, at 12 today, he went to lunch to the canteen and when he came back about 10 minutes later, he had a container of food on him but heres the strange thing, when he opened the containeer, it was full of grass and he just started eating it in front of everyone in HR!. I said to Termie where the fuck he got all that shit from and he said that he bought it from the canteen. I find that very hard to believe, i didnt challenge him with it but just went to the other room to have my own lunch’. I said ‘Hes just a dick, i dont know why i left my wife for him, his hygiene was very bad also and every morning he came out in the garden to eat the grass too. Im surpised though, how did he get all the grass in the container and bring it back to the HR department, he has no shame. I bet he stole the container and the grass belong to some poor horse in the fields of Harefield, you should report him for health and safety breaches, he would deserve it after the chilli thing he did to you’. Geoff says ‘mmm, interesting point, il check that one up tomorrow’.
Geoff comes up to me today and says that that Termie has been claiming to the canteen staff that he is the divisional head of HR at Harefield Hospital. I said ‘Why the fucking hell does he just stop fucking around. He really irritates me. To say him exposing himself all the time is not enough is beyond me. He does all this to complicate things’. Geoff says ‘No, but listen to this, i confronted him about it today and the grass eating thing and his arse thing and the tree thing and his gown thing and everything fucking thing to date and he just sat there with a profound look on his face. He says i stole his job and i stole his man. I told the fucking dickhead that i aint stolen no shit, its in his mind. Me and Andrew are just good friends. Termie said ‘You mean friends who fuck one another?’ I just got up and left’. I said to Geoff ‘Just ignore him from now on. He not worth it. When it comes to Nipple-T, its one problem after another with him and by the way iv been getting nuisance phone calls on my office phone and mobile all day, im sure its him. When i answer all i can hear is dribbling so im 100% it could only be him. Someone called my office up this morning who sounded like Terry and said there is someone blocking the ambulance bay outside Wexham Park Hospital and that i have to go and attend urgently. When i arrived, there was nothing, no shit!’. Geoff said ‘I had something like that last week, someone called me up claiming to be London Transport and they required my new Oyster card number. I got suspicious and never gave it’. I said ‘Don’t fucking give him your Oyster card number EVER. He already stole your last one, now hes probably trying to forge a brand new one under your details. Its because hes not the Divisional head of HR anymore so hes disgruntled and now trying to steal his job back by pretending hes you and maybe so he can imagine hes still with me because he still fancies me! Fucking grass eating prick!’
This is a picture of my darling Geoff. He looks quite normal but this was before Nipple-T prawn curried his balls. After this incident, Geoffrey was alway either pink, red or yellow and his balls were usually the opposite colour. Please take a moment to comment about how sexy he looks (when he doesn’t) or alternatively, please comment on my former lover Nipple-T aka The Termie-nator.
I got a phone call this morning in my office asking me to come downstairs to the car park because Harry was being taken away. I thought it was that Termie again prank calling and i started swearing at him down the phone. I said to him to go and fuck his mum and if he calls me again, i will get a meat cleaver from the canteen at Wexham Park Hospital and come to Harefield Hospital and chop his pubes off leaving his berries dangling baldly. To my amazement, i never received another call but when i went downstairs to get ready to go home at 5pm, i noticed Harry had gone. I quickly ran to the security department and said to the officer there ‘Where the fuck is he, where the fuck is he, by god where the fuck is Harry?’. The security personnel said ‘We tried calling you today that there was a man wearing a Harefield Hospital gown came and drove him off’. I said ‘Why the fuck did you not say that then you fucking prick’. The security personnel said ‘Dont talk to me like that you fucking knob head, iv been told by my line manager if you come here again asking for a replacement disabled badge, he will immediately come down and slap you one on your face’. I said ‘Yeh. fucking do it then init!’ and i ran off.
I quickly called Geoff up at Harefield Hospital. Geoff says whats the matter. I said ‘Nipple-T, the fucking gaylord has stolen Harry’. Geoff says ‘Why don’t you call the fucking police’. I respond ‘You think im a fucking arsehole right, the police are gonna be in stitches and they got better things to be investigating like harassment cases and submission of derogatory job applications’. Geoff says ‘No, they won’t be investigating those things either, these pigs are totally useless, what you gonna do’. I said ‘What the fuck can i do, i have to go to Termie’s house with a fucking meat cleaver or a baseball bat and get him back and thats only if Harry still has his exhaust in him. Knowing Nipple-T, he must of used Harry good by now. The prick just casually walked over to him in the car park at Wexham Park Hospital and took him and the shitty security department refused to stop him. They always been fucking jealous of Harry, he was always a star in the car park here thats why’. Geoff says ‘Termie will be at work tomorrow, i can have a word with him if you want’. I said ‘Fuck that, he aint fucking gonna admit it. Hes probably still pissed off about that poster on the notice board at Harefield Hospital, the one where his arse was being shown. Im telling you, hes gonna pay for this good this time. Im gonna take the picture and E-Mail it to the Watford Employment Tribunal and fuck up his tribunal case’. Geoff says ‘No no don’t do that, im the divisional head, il get fucked up in the board room then and thats what Termie wants you to do. I tell you something, why don’t you try this one for a change. Invite him to dinner to talk things over and apologise at a very expensive restaurant then tell the waiter while Nipple-T is in the bathroom or something that Termie is paying and then get up and say you are going to the toilet and leave after a big meal, he will be loving it’. I said ‘Thats a great idea and while i got him at dinner, you can steal Harry back from his house. This is an excellent idea. I feel like having prawn curry!’.
Me and Terry planned to meet up in a restaurant in Harefield called ‘The Kings Arms’. This was the same restaurant i had my leaving do from Harefield Hospital when i was forced to resign from the hospital because of the political dismissals i created. I came early and sat down and had something to drink. Eventually after 20 minutes Nipple-T comes along wearing a green coloured gown. I said to Terry ‘Why the fuck didnt you wear something more respectable you fucking knob sucker!’. Termie says ‘Why the fuck did you wear your glasses on your arse again you fucking dick’. I said ‘ok, ok enough of the arguing, i just like to tell you i just wanted to speak to you over a lovely meal. Dont worry, im paying for it, have anything you want. I hear they have great prawn salads’. Nipple-T says ‘I dont feel like fucking prawns, i have enough of that shit at Harefield Hospitals canteen, i feel like some pig meat today’. I said thats fine. I took a moment to go to the bathroom to call Geoff and once i got through to him, Geoff says ‘Im outside Termies house now and i couldn’t find Harry anywhere, i went a couple of streets down and found him chained up to one of the trees and its a thick chain which im not even sure if i will ever be able to cut off’. I said ‘Terry is a wanker, he did it on purpose and now hes making a statement, give me a few moments and il ask him for the key’. I went back to the table and asked Terry for the key because Geoff is around the neighbourhood at the moment. Nipple-T replies saying ‘You fucking prick, you thought i would come here and leave my belongings unattached and unattended, you think i was born yesterday. Im a former head of HR, you think i got to the top by not doing any dirty work, you fucking knob sucker’. I said ‘Listen dickhead, i dont want to make a scene here but you will leave me no option. I want Harry back, he is not yours, he is mine and does not belong to you’. Nipple-T says ‘Ok, lets have this meal first and il go back and get the key for you’. I said ‘Yeh, thats more like it dickhead’.
After a while Termie gets up to go to the toilet, he said he will be back in a while. 20 minutes went by, 30 minutes and then two hours and fucking Nipple-T was no where to be seen. I went to the bathroom to see if everything was ok and that he was not constipating like he usually did and found him to be gone. I went to the waiter and said where the fuck is he. The waiter says ‘What, that man with the green gown, he left over two hours ago and said you were paying the bill’. I said ‘What the fuck did he say!, He was the one who is paying for this shit meal, not me’. I quickly got on to the phone to Geoff to tell him about what had happened. Geoff picks up the phone and says ‘Babe, you are not going to believe this, im tied to a tree on Harvil road’. I said ‘How the fuck did you get there dickhead, you were suppose to be round Termies house getting Harry back’. Geoff says ‘I was but just a couple of hours ago, he came back unexpectedly and smacked me from behind and knocked me out and threw me in the back of Harry and then drove me down Harvil Road’. I said ‘Thank god you had your mobile on you, ok i will get a mini cab and come and get you right now but im telling you, tomorrow the picture of Termie is being E-Mailed to the Employment Tribunal. How the fuck did he clock on to our plan’. Geoff says ‘ I dont know but please come and untie me quick because the prick took my trousers off and left with them and i cant wait until daylight so that everyone travelling to the hospital sees me like this, i have my reputation to think off and if any member of the Cardiology team sees me like this, they will never look at me professionally in the Band 8 meetings again’.
I have been cycling to work these days because that prick Termie/Nipple-T has stolen Harry and i have come to some unpleasant sights. This prick in front of me today was hanging his arse out and i screamed out to him to get the fuck out of the way as i need to get to Wexham Park Hospital. As usual no one gave a fuck about to me and i had to watch someone perform an indecent act on me
I got to my office at Wexham Park Hospital today and found a packet has been addressed to me in the post tray. I quickly opened it and found an engine switch in it. I was so pissed off at this as i knew it was Nipple-T sending me Harrys body parts one by one. I quickly got on to the phone to my lover Geoff at Harefield Hospital and told him about the latest developments. Geoffs response was ‘What the fuck you want me to do about it. Harry is not a employee of my trust and its not a HR related issue, your best bet is the police. On a further note, that Termie has called in sick the whole week today. I guess its because of that tree thing on Harvil road’. I said to Geoff ‘You watch what i do to that wanker, i will chop his berries up one by one and send it to his parents house in Manchester’. Geoff says ‘Actually, have you spoken to Termies mum about what he’s doing here in London and the way he is behaving? I bet you it will be something to hear about and see’. I said ‘haha, yeh i should do that, his mum will get a fright seeing her son tied to the tree on Harvil road and stealing cars and vans, i could mix up some lies in the claims as well, thats a great idea’.
Terry contacts me today on my office phone. He says that he has come across Geoff asking other people out on his account profile on LinkedIn.com and sent me copies of the postings. I said to Nipple-T to go and fuck himself and that i am not interested. Termie says he is telling the truth and that i should check it out myself. He said he will fax me the copies of the printouts. If this allegation is true, I will terminate Geoffs balls tonight when i get home with immediate effect!
After reading the documents, i contacted Geoff at Harefield Hospital and asked him if the allegations are true. Geoff says that the claims are false and since that Termie has been off sick, he has probably hacked in to in LinkedIn account and now sending degrading messages about him to all his friends!. I said ‘Why the fuck will he do that, i know hes a wanker an all but going out his way to deliberately sabotage your friends friendship is unacceptable. I will be investigating this and until my investigation is over, you sunshine are sleeping on the fucking balcony!’. Geoff says ‘what the fuck you on about, ITS MY FUCKING HOUSE!’.
I called Nipple-T up earlier on today and asked him about the allegations he made against my lover Geoff. Termie says that Geoff asked him out as well and the CEO of Tameside Hospital NHS Foundation Trust in Manchester. I told the prick to stop fucking around and stirring trouble. Eventually i asked the wanker where Harry is because my balls have been sweating for the last few weeks cycling to work and someone tried to nick my bike the other day too. Nipple-T says that he went down to a temple in Alperton and sold it to the temple priest. I said ‘Why the fuck you did that for you fucking knob head, you know how much he means to me’. Nipple-T says ‘I was approached by some man wearing an orange gown who said he liked Harry and would he consider selling him. I got the feeling he wanted to pray to him because these Hindus always worshiping strange things like the 8 arm statues, drinking cow statues and now Harry is added to the mix’. I said to Nipple-T that he will pay for this for a life long campaign. Nipple-T says ‘I wouldn’t bother going to get him back, they have christened him and converted him to a Hindu, he is now known as Harpinder Lal Patel! and he is one of their senior gods. At the moment hes drinking petrol and ribena but soon he will be neutered and that will be sorted!’. I said ‘You fucking watch wanker, im going to tell your parents everything you been doing down here in London, you mum will fuck you up good and i will send her your naked pictures i took of you when we were living together!’. Nipple-T says ‘You fucking dare do that and watch, my mother has a heart condition and she is very sensitive and vulnerable’. I said ‘and watch what, you might take Harry and as for your mum, you can always refer her to Harefield Hospital. The cardiology team down there are apparently quite good (!)’. Termie says ‘OK listen i will try and get him back then, just give me a few days’. I said ‘Fuck that, he is full of ribena now and i don’t want him as Harpinder or fuck not Patel, i want my Harry back and his exhaust in his full form or your naked pictures are being sent to your mums house and your grandmas. I would go to get Harry myself but you know these Indian people and their gods, they have some sort of trance on them, they will chop me up and if you go, they will chop off you two remaining berries too’. Termie says ‘Don’t worry, leave it to me, i will sort it but please dont send anything to my mum or grandma, im begging you’. I replied ‘Yeh, you better fucking beg and whilst your in the begging mood, i would like some McDonalds delivered to my office in 30 minutes because im fucking hungry and if your late by even one minute, the naked pictures are in the first class post to Manchester! I want a happy meal, one for me and one for the security department here’.
I called Nipple-T up today on his mobile and when he picked up I said ‘Oi wanker, when you getting Harry back? Its been 4 weeks already and I’m fucking sweating my balls off on the bicycle. I need Harry back!’. Termie says ‘Iv been trying to get him back but just thought that if I drove him out at night, all those Muslims lining the streets of Alperton after opening their Ramadan fasts see Harry, they might think I’m disrespecting their religion by parading a pig down the streets! I thought I’d wait until the holy period is over. You know as a HR professional, discrimination based on religion can get you in to a lot of trouble, I mean let’s look at how you left Harefield and why your working in the car park these days’. I said ‘Shut the fuck up dickhead, ok you can wait until after the holy month but I aint. Your naked pictures are fucking straight to Manchester and I’ll send it to the temple priest in Alperton too. Stop making fucking excuses, you put him in the temple and christened in to some other shit religion and now your claiming its for religious purposes you don’t want to get him back. Well, I got a religious advice for you and that is ‘thy will not steal or damage anyone elses property’ well dickhead Harry is mine you thieving prick and you already broken one of the 10 commandments there and over your HR career, you done even more! Either Harry comes back home in the next 24 hours or I swear those naked pictures of your berries dangling in the shower and you with the nipple clamp is straight to your mums house’.
I got back home today and told Geoff what had happened with Termie today. Geoff says ‘You know something, just because he’s taking so long to get Harry back, when Harry does come back, just send the pictures to his mums house anyway and claim it was an accident’. I said ‘Haha, yeh I was thinking that too. Or maybe I should go online and update his photo card ID on his driving license on the DVLA website. Its only £20 but it will be money well spent plus the police and DVLA can always recognise him better if he gets stopped!’. Geoff says ‘Your an evil bastard! Imagine he has to prove his identity sometime and what comes back from it. Anyway enough of talking about that prick, I feel broody, let’s get to bed and make sure u bring 3 cucumbers from the kitchen when you come up’. I said ‘Why the fuck you want 3 cucumbers for, I aint sticking any cucumbers up my arse as I’m cycling to work tomorrow, I’ll stick them up yours instead’.
It was 5am this morning and I woke up to the bright sunlight coming through the bedroom window. Geoff pulled the curtains back and saw someone drifting and peeking through the bushes. Geoff says ‘you aint gonna believe, someone is looking at our bedroom window, wait a minute, is that, I mean, is that Nippy?, Andrew, come over here, its that fucking Termie in the garden looking at our bedroom window and he looks angry’. I said ‘where? Oh my days, this prick is suppose to be trying to get Harry back, not standing in the garden naked and possibly pleasuring himself’. Geoff says ‘Do you think he’s pleasuring himself, that is disgusting. He always gives me the creeps, I think I might call the police’. I said ‘No, don’t call the police, I can get him to do anything I want, just watch’. At that point, I opened the window and screamed out ‘Oi dickhead, you got fucking 16 hours and 14 minutes to get Harry back or your mum will get fucked with her first class post tomorrow morning’. Termie just stood there looking and staring at me and said nothing. That’s when I closed the window. Geoff asks ‘That’s strange he’s out there, how long do you think he’s been there’. I said ‘I don’t give a fuck as long as Harry gets back home quickly before those Hindus marry him off to one of their other statues’. Geoff says ‘ No, I meant do you think he been there long enough to see you sticking the cucumbers up my arse last night?’. I said ‘Fuck!! That’s true. It probably explains why he seemed aroused and kept staring and dribbling at me, I mean, we can always deny it if he said something to anyone’. I looked out of the window again and Nipple-T had disappeared leaving a grass trail behind on the pavement but I was not happy about his behaviour at the very least.
Harrys now overdue by 13 hours so i called Nipple-T up and asked him what the fuck was going on. Termie says that he hasn’t been bothered going to get Harry and he doesn’t think he will ever go. He continued saying that i should try to go and get him instead considering Harry belongs to me. I said to the fucking dickhead ‘If i go to get him, i will send your naked pictures to your mums and grandmas house you wanker, you just watch me’. Nipple-T says ‘Go ahead but dont be surprised if your Director of HR Janet Lynch gets your naked pictures and pictures of you sticking cucumbers up Geoffs arse from the other night. Oh and il send them to Bob Bell as well, he will enjoy it, he might discuss it in the private part 2 board meeting with his directors’. I said ‘you bastard. i knew you were perving on me all the time. Those cucumbers i stuck up Geoffs arse where not what you think it was, it was herbal’. Nipple-T says ‘Like fuck it was herbal, it went on for three and a half hours and i was sweating my balls off in the bushes but it was worthwhile. Now remember, I WANT YOU TO GO GET HARRY IN THE NEXT 24 HOURS FROM ALPERTON TEMPLE OR THOSE CUCUMBER PICTURES ARE GOING STRAIGHT TO YOUR MUMS HOUSE AND THE CEO OF THE BROMPTON BOB BELL and to end this lovely conversation, you got 30 minutes to get me a happy meal from McDonalds and if your even one minute late, i will E-Mail those pictures straight to your HR Director, now fuck off because im tired from being up and in the bushes all night.’
I got a delivery this morning at work from Amazon. It was a lovely nappy changer. I took it home straight away to show it to my lover Geoff and he could not believe his eyes. He said ‘Where the fuck you going to put that, we have no space down here and your tent has no walls to screw it on’. I said ‘Don’t you fucking worry, i will find a place for it, i can use with one of these’. Geoff says ‘Why don’t you go give it to that Termie, he can use it as a gown changer, im sure he can definitely use with one of them’. I said ‘Fuck that, he has my Harry, come to think of it, he has been quite for a while, maybe i should prank call him and do the same dribbling noises just like he does to me down the phone’. Geoff says ‘I wouldn’t do that you know, he has been acting very strange since Monday morning’. I said ‘Whatever the fuck do you mean?’. Geoff says ‘Well, i came to work in the morning to go to my office and he was sat there on my computer and he sees me and says there an employment tribunal case that i need to be doing!’. I said ‘you mean YOUR employment tribunal case!’. Nipple-T says ‘No, i mean YOUR employment tribunal case because im the divisional head of HR and your the HR Lead!’. He then went on to say ‘I will be working in my office all day today so i would like peace and quite’. I didn’t know what to say, the prick was sat in my office using my computer and making me do his work’. I said ‘What the fuck did you do about it and did you tell him to get the fuck off your computer’. Geoff says ‘Well, no i didn’t but it didn’t stop there, here comes lunch time and he approaches me and says ‘can i get you some lunch’ to which i replied yes and gave him a fiver. I told him to get me anything hot and a bottle of water. 15 minutes later, he comes back with a container and he said that he could not find any water so he got me a coke instead. When i opened the container to have my lunch, there were three cucumbers in it!’. I said ‘What the fuck did you do, you should not trust that wanker, not after the prawn curry incident, he can’t be trusted with food at all just like Ken Ali from the Cardiology Department!’. Geoff said ‘I went to his office and confronted him about what he did with the rest of my money and what does he expect me to do with these cucumbers’. Terry says ‘YOUR ASKING ME WHAT YOUR GOING TO DO WITH THE CUCUMBERS, Surely i don’t have to explain it. You said you wanted something hot so i thought three cucumbers will make you plenty hot and as it goes for your money, all of that came to £5 exactly!’. Then he went on to say ‘Go on dick head, eat it, i mean that is what you do with cucumbers isn’t it’ i didn’t know what to do as i am the real divisional head of HR acting like a prick in my own department because Nipple-T is now blackmailing me’. I said ‘Why don’t you offer to buy him some food tomorrow and bring back two berries, that should cool him down!’. Geoff says ‘I don’t think i want to wind him up too much, not with the information he has about me. Im just wondering how long this blackmail will go on now, i think i may have to find something much stronger on him otherwise im not sure how long i can be his servant in the HR department, the department staff will sure find out whats going on eventually!’.
I got a phone call in my office this morning, the security department said there was someone in the car park vandalising my bike. I said I will be down straight away. I came running down and nearly got the end of my nappy caught on the guard rail. I ran and ran and fucking ran and finally got to the car park and found my bicycle with the tyres deflated with a piece of cucumber stuck in the tyre valve. I had my suspicions who could it be and my suspicions were confirmed when I saw a grass trail leaving the scene of the crime! I followed the grass trail but it led to the field which was full of fucking grass! It didn’t take a genius to realise what was going on and who was responsible. I called Harefield Hospital HR department and spoke to Geoff. I said ‘ put that fucking dick wod Terry on the phone now, I got a bone to pick’. Geoff says ‘Termies not here on his desk at the moment, he’s just popped out, can I help?’. I said ‘ as a matter of fact, yes you fucking can! Nipple-T has been down the car park today and saw my bike parked here and deflated the tyres and if he don’t come back and sort it out, I’m gonna come to Harefield Hospital and deflate his balls! I’m not having my property being vandalised because of that prick, he stole Harry and now he trying to fuck about with my bike’. Geoff says ‘well, he’s been gone from the office a while now, he must be on his way back. How do you suppose we deal with this’. I said ‘how the fuck do I know, he’s only doing this now because he saw you having three cucumbers being stuck up your arse the other day, this is all your fault, if only you refrain from sexual altercations with vegetables, we wouldn’t be having this problem’. Geoff says ‘ there’s not much I can do either, he’s asked me to clean the toilets in the main hospital today because he says I deserve some punishment because of that dismissal I supported you in 4 years ago!’. I said ‘I’m gonna come down there in a few minutes with three cucumbers and knock him the fuck out if he doesn’t stop winding me up, he is such a mouthy fuck and a leary bastard, he’s forgetting about when I got him locked up at the battersea dogs home, I’m gonna report him again if he don’t stop this shit, I was just about to go in to a meeting when I got a phone call about his wankerisms and now I’m fucking late to the meeting and have to also now inflate my tyres too. I must look like a right prick at my hospital having this problem all the time!’.
I was so angry at Nipple-T that I decided to go round his house with a broom. I knocked on the door and there was no answer so I went round the side of his house to the garden to see if I could find him. To my not so amazement, I saw him standing there in his back garden naked. I went up to the prick and said to him ‘why the fuck you letting the air out my bike, I know its you wanker because there was a cucumber piece in the tyre valve’. Nipple-T ‘Listen, take it easy and put down the broom and let’s talk about this like grown ups, just remember I’m not the only one who uses cucumbers, there’s a whole stack of them down Tescos’. I said ‘Don’t take the fucking piss, I know its you. I’m already cycling to work because of you and now all this shit comes about’. At that moment, I swung the broom towards Termie and he ducked making me miss, that’s when Nipple-T rams me to the ground and sits in top of me. I didn’t know what to do, I told him ‘ Get the fuck off of me you fat bastard, I can’t breathe’. Termie Termite says ‘You should be fucking careful how you swing that broom, luckily a broom would not do that much damage but if it was a cucumber, then that would be a different story. Now I told you don’t keep fucking around with me, if you try to blackmail me or any of my family, those cucumber pics are going worldwide, understand cucumber brain! Anyway, I feel like a happy meal, so get the fuck up and go get me one and any funny business, remember I will come to Wexham Park Hospital and turn you into a pitta bread with fur!’. I said ‘Just get the fuck off of me and have a fucking shower you fucking prick, you stink of piss’.
I came back home today and Geoff was sat there on the sofa naked, he had a broom in his hand. I said ‘What the fuck you doing now, scrubbing your balls i take it?’. Geoff says ‘No i was not dickhead and stop using abusive language with me. That Termie gave this to me today at work and told me to give it to you because you left it round his house the other day’. I said ‘I swear i can explain. I went round there to kick the shit out of him with the broom but he sat on me the fat bastard and i had no option but to get up and run away’. Geoff says ‘Of course you were, i completely believe you but tell me something, why the fuck you sticking a broom up his arse when you declined to stick the cucumbers up my arse?’. I said ‘Stop this shit ok right now! Nipple-T is stirring trouble between us, he’s jealous because i now love you and left his wrinkly old arse behind to play with his own cucumbers. Listen, don’t believe him, you know your the only one for me, i mean i wouldn’t have stuck three large cucumbers up your arse for nearly 4 hours if i wasn’t serious about you’. Geoff says ‘Ok then, i accept you comments but next time let me know when your going to kick the fuck out of him so i can join in on the action, the wanker has asked me today to clean all the patients gowns in the main hospitals and iron them all out and im fucking exhausted as i only do HR work and this was manual fucking labour today, this is not why i went to University for!’.
I HATE CUCUMBERS!!
I was in a regional meeting today and I bumped into Terry and Geoff from Harefield Hospital. I asked Nipple-T what the fuck he was doing there. To my not so amazement, I received a rather dastardly response of ‘Fuck you’. I said to Termie The Germie White that ‘We need to sit down and settle this. How about a game of blackjack on a date agreed by both parties? If I win, you do something i want you to and if you win, I’ll do something you want me to’. Nipple-T says ‘You want me to play Blackjack with you, that’s taking the piss but this game is the last straw’. I said ‘That is fine but remember if I win, you have to give me back those cucumber pictures’. Termie says ‘No way is that happening, not after the way you two have been fucking me around, we need to do something else’. I said ‘Fine, how about this, if I win, you have to attend the next Royal Brompton and Harefield NHS Foundation Trust Public Trust board meeting naked and with a clipboard and you have to say to the CEO Robert Bell in front of everyone that you have been sleeping with his wife! And the only way you leave if someone carries you out and throws you out physically’. Nipple-T says ‘You fucking dirty prick, you would make me do that wouldn’t you but I am so confident that I win that I accept the challenge but listen to this one, if I win, and I mean listen to this, If I win, then Geoff has to eat my shit whilst you do him in the arse with a cucumber and all this goes on in the canteen of Harefield Hospital during Christmas lunch, yeah so how about that. You got the balls to accept a mans challenge?’. Geoff says ‘I aint eating his shit in front of anyone under any terms, I got nothing to do with this, this is your fucking problem Andrew in the first place. Remember Termie is still your husband!’. I said to Nipple-T ‘Don’t you fucking worry, we will settle this like real men, toe to toe and berry to berry’. Geoff says ‘I feel uncomfortable eating his shit, you better not lose this one Andrew otherwise I don’t know how far our relationship can go. I love you and I know you love me, we don’t need a berry to come between you and me!’. I said ‘Don’t fucking rap at me you dildo and stop moaning all the time, he will pay for sitting on me the other day when I went to talk to him in a civilised fashion and blackmailing me in general. I will expose his chicken McNuggets to everyone’. Nipple-T says ‘I’m gonna make sure I eat a very bad diet from now on so my shit is all slurry and clumpy. It will make it taste better that way and I will feel better for Geoff eating it like that as its more healthy for him. Anyway, enough of this nonsense, Geoff, I want you on gown ironing duties first thing tomorrow morning, the Maple Ward, Oak and all the tree wards need doing!’. I said to Nipple-T ‘Make sure the Berry ward gets done too’. Geoff says ‘Shut the fuck up you piss taking prick, they aint got a berry ward unless Termie the Germie gets hospitalised sometime soon’.
Nipple-T called me today saying that he was planning on fucking me over in the blackjack game coming up in the next few days. Termie says he will make sure Geoff will never be able to show his face at Harefield Hospital ever again. I said ‘Why don’t you just get a fucking life and leave happy couples alone, just because your a sad, lonely, gay, naked prick who hasn’t got anyone else to fondle his berries with anymore’. Nipple-T says ‘I’m not lonely, i have a new boyfriend now and we are happily in love’. I said ‘Who is this other sad pathetic fuck you have manipulated, im sure he is an ugly fuck just like you’. Termie the Germie goes on ‘Actually his name is Ken and he is the Senior Chief in the Cardiology department’. I said ‘You are fucking having me on right, you mean that same Ken who withdrew all his allegations at the Employment Tribunal? How did you two meet? was it when he was on disciplinary?’. Nipple-T says ‘Thats none of your fucking business, me and Ken are very happy. I love his coconuts and he loves my berries and no one can come between us’. Before i hung up the phone, i said ‘Except his wife, haha!’.
I called Geoff up at Harefield Hospital and said ‘Germie just called me, did you know him and Ken are in a relationship with one another? He just called me and told me that. Now this is what i want you to do. Go to the head of HR and tell them that he hasn’t declared the ‘relationship’ to the Trust as it can have an impact on promotions of other staff as he has breached the ‘relationships at work policy’ but what i want you to do is gather enough evidence to make sure he gets fired on this one. His berries will be no longer dangling’. Geoff says ‘That’s a good idea, that way he cannot blackmail with those cucumber pictures anymore. The bastard has made me sit on the main reception at the hospital today greeting patients and directing them all over the place and im fucking bored. I could be doing botched disciplinaries rather then this’. I said ‘Just shut the fuck up and make sure you keep your eye on Ken, he will sneak out sometime away from his wife to meet Nipple-T and that’s when we can get him’.
Me and Nipple-T met up last week for our game of blackjack and I pleasantly won. I was so pleased that I said to the shortbread wanker that he will have to say to Robert Bell in the next board meeting hes been slapping his wifes furry cup. I have been trying to call Nipple-T up all week asking him about what he will be doing but unfortunately I have not been able to get through. I hope he is not ignoring me and having second thoughts about the deal.
I finally called up Harefield Hospital and to Nipple-T’s office. I asked the prick whats happening about the deal and whens the next board meeting. Nipple-T says ‘Im not sure I want to go through with it. You see I think you spiked my drink at the game and I dozed off and now I cant remember whether I won or not but I do recall you cheated by what you did’. I said ‘Listen dickhead, I didn’t cheat and you didn’t have your drink spiked, you are a ugly fucking wanker who doesn’t have the berries or the balls to go along with the deal’. Termie says ‘Listen I still have the cucumbers pictures, how about I attach them on the clipboard that you want me to take to the boardroom and let everyone accidentally see it’. I said ‘Yeah, don’t you fucking blackmail me cunt, I will chop your balls off like none other, you go through the fucking deal or I will sue your fucking pants off literally’. Nipple-T says ‘Listen, im kinda busy right, il call you back’ and hung up on me.
I called Geoff up and said to him that the wanker Termie is refusing to go along with the deal even though I clearly won it. I said ‘he says I spiked his drink and he passed out and now he cant remember if he lost’. Geoff says ‘That is so unfair, you would not expect that from a HR professional. I mean if he won, I had to eat your shit and he would of made me do it too because he would be blackmailing me with those pictures’. I said ‘Listen, you know Ken Ali, he is Termies weakness here, we need something on Ken and for gods sake, try doing something to get those cucumber pictures back. I can’t stand him going on about it all the time’. Geoff says ‘I have been following Ken around but he usually is in the ITU stock room with the door locked or in the pavilions canteen eating all the time or in the EP lab trying to act important. I must say Ken is quite clever, I mean, remember he submitted all those false witness statements against all those former employees of the Cardiology Department and never for the last 20 years got caught except for the first time at the employment tribunal hearing in 2010’. I said ‘You are absolutely right, we need his weaknesses. Its obvious he doesn’t give in under pressure. How about you obtain naked pictures of Ken or his wife and then blackmail Ken to doing whatever he can to get those cucumber pictures back from Germie Termie and once he gets them back, just release the naked pictures to the Trust anyway’. Geoff says ‘That’s a fantastic idea but how do you think we can get naked pictures of his wife, I mean she doesn’t know anything about Termie the Germie and Kens relationship yet’. I said ‘Simple, go to the Trusts accommodation team and steal a duplicate key to Kens house and whilst his whole fat ugly family is at work, install a camera somewhere and catch the dirty lying bastards in the act, to make the whole scenario more interesting, you can make it go live to the world on an internet porn site’. Geoff says ‘That’s a great idea but in all seriousness, who the fuck would want to see Ken or his family naked, the man never leaves his noodles lying around and when he does, it must be hideous to look at’. I said, ‘Well, why don’t you think of a better idea then you fucking div. Anyway I got to get back to work, I have someone parked in the ambulance bay’.
I called Geoff up at work today and asked him what the fuck was happening about the plan against Ken. Geoff says ‘Well, i have been following Ken around a lot recently and he does not seem to be doing anything that interesting. He goes to the ITU stock room, the canteen, his home, the EP lab 7 and generally walking around the hospital’. I said ‘Well, you need to provoke that pig otherwise he will just do what he does. Just remember he will always lie, he has done so for many years. You remember the employment tribunal hearing and how he withdrew all his allegations, well, thats his underlying real behaviour’. Geoff says ‘Ill see what i can do but he does not leave much evidence lying around’.
I went up to Nipple-T’s house last night to look for something incriminating. I thought i would sit in the alleyway next to his house and sneak a look in to his garden and bedroom window in order to get some evidence of his relationship with his english boyfriend called Ken. All i saw was Mushtaq having his usual mud bath in the garden and then eating grass like Termie does all the time. But wait…… wait a minute, he just saw me, Mushtaq just saw me! hes looking at me, i cant believe it, Ken has just seen me, what shall i do? At that moment, i jumped on my bicycle and quickly paddled away.
Geoff comes home today and starts an argument with me. He says that Nipple-T calls him in to his office and tells him that i was sneaking around his property and peeking in to his garden like a peeping tom. I said ‘Thats utter lies, the fucking knob head is trying to stir trouble up. I went there to see if i can get any information or evidence that we can use against the pricks. I was on the fence looking in and all i saw was Ken having a mud bath and when he saw me, he started sticking his tongue out to which i left him to it, that’s all’. Geoff says ‘Well, i don’t think you should go round there again, Termie says he will be seeking to get a restraining order out against you for harassing him’. I said ‘ That aint harassment, harassment is when you post comments about staff members on the internet and send the links to all internal staff, i mean, just ask the police!’. Geoff says ‘Listen, this is not a joke anymore, Termie the Germie was being serious, he said he will take legal action against you because you come round his house all the time and assault him and then run away’. I said ‘What assault, hes the one who fucking sat on me last time i went to confront him about letting down the tyres on my bike, anyway fuck it, lets not let the prick ruin our happiness’. Geoff said ‘Well, he has ruined our happiness as now as way of revenge for what you did yesterday, he says i am on gown ironing and toilet cleaning duties all week and today he took a wild shit in the toilets in the HR department and never flushed it and said it was my job to clean it’. I said ‘Don’t worry, i will find something on Ken and then he will be cleaning everyones toilets’.
I was round Sainsburys yesterday buying some groceries and alcohol. Unfortunately, I saw this fat pig like looking creature running from aisle to aisle with his gown flying everywhere. I thought I would go closer to investigate. That is when I saw the worst nightmare I have ever seen. My former lover Nipple-T buying groceries! He sees me and walks up to me and saying ‘Afternoon Andrew, pity to see you here. I just want to know if you know where the cucumbers are down here, im not sure where they are and iv been looking everywhere?’. I said ‘Have you tried next to the berries on aisle 3, they got plenty down there’. Nipple-T says ‘Oh right, I guess you would know. Thanks!’. I stopped him and said ‘You better stop bullying Geoff all the time, its not his job to be ironing gowns, you are totally abusing your position, I will take my case to the department of health if I have to’. Termie says ‘Go ahead, see if I care but just remember if those cucumber pictures become public, putting the Trust in to disrepute is a serious offense and I know I will order dismissal so be careful, Geoff might be in the car park next to you next time, anyway I need to get the cucumbers, can I get you some as well, you might have some more uses for it then cooking’. I said to Nipple-T ‘Fuck you arsehole and I hope you choke on the cucumber when you eat it, it would be nice to see you die’.
Me and Geoff were having dinner at the dinner table today and Geoff says ‘You want to hear something funny’. I said ‘If its about that fucking Termite im not interested unless hes died!’. Geoff says ‘Unfortunately it is. Something really funny happened at work today. Termie goes to the bog to take a dump. He locks the door and does his business. Apparently what happened next was that he could not open the door from the inside because the lock was jammed so rather then call for help, he opens the ground floor window and trys to leave that way. The only problem was he got stuck. I was coming out of the league of friends and saw him stuck in the window and he saw me too and he asked me to come over and help. I just ignored the dickhead. Next thing i hear in HR was that the estates department got called in and they were using a spade and a pitch fork to get him out. After about half an hour, when all failed, they called up Hillingdon Fire Brigade who come along and popped him out using a crane. He was seriously in bad shape. He was stuck in the window for nearly 90 minutes and thank goodness the bin men were there and saw him otherwise i dont think he would ever be discovered’. I said ‘Poor little fuck but mind you, if it was Ken, the fire brigade would not be able to get him out definately. Do you think i should call Nipple-T and ask him if hes ok’. Geoff says ‘No dont do that, he already pissed off at me for ignoring him and hes already put me on toilet cleaning duties, he will only get revenge on me when he gets better. He was apparently in the directors office afterwards talking to someone about what happened and i havent seen him since’.
I called Nipple-T up on his mobile today and asked him what the fuck happened to him yesterday. Nipple-T says ‘Fuck you arsehole, i don’t have to explain anything to you, you just remember if you tell anyone this, those cucumber pictures will be all over the trust’. I said ‘Fuck off you wanker, i was only calling to see you if your OK. If you lay off the curries and pork chops, you could of easily slided out of the window and why didn’t Ken come to help you, was he scared he might get stuck in the window with you too?’. Nipple-T says ‘When i fucking catch you dildo head, you gonna wish you were never alive. Now get off the fucking line, i am waiting for a call from Flymo about the new grass cut head machine they got coming out which im gonna get Geoff to use to make me lunch everyday’.
Nipple-T comes round our house today with a package. He uncovers it and it was a new lawn mower. Nipple-T says ‘This is for Geoff for his upcoming duties for next week after he finishes ironing all the fucking hospital gowns, he can start by making me lunch every day using this’. I said ‘Dont fucking come round our house again you fucking pervert. I will take that lawn mower and mow the fucking grass off your balls and then make you eat it’. Termie the Germie says ‘Well, if you do that then the cucumber pictures will be available to the Trusts Board of Directors at the next meeting’. i said ‘You cant blackmail us all the time with those cucumber pictures, you should not have even been on our property taking them in the first place, there are laws for that kind of behavior’. Nipple-T says that ‘I aint giving a shit about any laws, theres laws out there for wearing a nappy all the time and driving pig vans but i don’t see you being legally liable for anything’. I said ‘Well, theres laws for wearing an open gown in a hospital and exposing yourself to patients on windy days but you still carrying on as usual and lets not forget about the grass eating incidents’. Nipple-T says ‘Well, the lawn mower is available for Geoff to make me lunch everyday. I want freshly cut grass on my plate no more then 15 minutes old and i better not get hungry because if i do, Geoff will regret it’. I said ‘Why don’t you fucking feed grass to that fat pig lover of yours Ken, you too would enjoy sharing a bowl’. Nipple-T says ‘Unfortunately, hes a pig and only eats shit but don’t worry, hes eating mine daily and if Geoff aint careful, he will be next’.
My darling Geoff comes back home today after a long hard days work. He says that his back is hurting and his legs are all wobbly. I said ‘Did the ugly gown wearing prick make you mow him some grass again?’. Geoff says ‘Well, kind of. I ironed all the gowns in the wards and then mowed him some grass for lunch. Termie then says that its not good quality and i have to go back and get some from the corners of the hospital grounds as that is where the grass grows best. I went and got him some more and then he comes back to me after lunch and says i left a patch of mowed grass in a field of unmowed grass and that now i have to fucking mow the rest of the field because it looks untidy!’. I said ‘That fucking bastard, hes got some fucking nerve asking you to do that, we need to stop this now by planning something. Those cucumber pictures Nipple-T has is turning in to a career for him. Shall i go round his house and smack him the fuck up one more time and mow the grass off his balls and blend his berries into a smoothie?’. Geoff says ‘I don’t care, one night of cucumber action has now become an eternity of manual labour, the dickhead says that next week the cleaners are on full pay leave and they can take the week off and hes got plans for me instead! Oh lord, please fucking help me, i don’t think i can go another week of this!’. I said ‘I guess asking if you want cucumbers tonight is out of the question then?’.
Nipple-T contacts me on my mobile today and says that Geoff will not be coming home at the usual time because hes at Harefield Hospital cutting the grass. I said ‘What the fuck you chatting about you knob? hes contracted until 5pm and band 8′s are not allowed to do overtime in the NHS’. Nipple-T says ‘Hes not doing overtime, the tosser was mowing the grass today and he fucking broke the flymo only after a weeks use so now he has to use his hands and thats taking some time naturally!’. I said ‘You fucking arsehole, i hate you, im telling you now i fucking hate you, you are fucking evil doing this nasty campaign on him, i hope god is watching what you are doing and fucking attacks you with anal herpes!’. Nipple-T says ‘ Hes nearly done though but unfortunately he looks like a leprechaun with grass everywhere and even on his balls but don’t worry, tomorrow will be an easier day, he has to clean the Heart Science centre and next week iv rota him at the Brompton but in the meantime because the wanker broke the Flymo, i will have to contact payroll and have it deducted from his wages’. I said ‘Hes not fucking supposed to be cutting grass in the first place dick head, hes HR!!’.
Nipple-T calls me up today. He says he wants to speak to me in private about something important. I said ‘There is no fucking way im meeting you in private, your gonna fucking set me up for something’. Nipple-T says ‘I swear, i wont, would i do that to the man i have always loved’. I said ‘Fuck you, who are you kidding, after all that blackmail and shit you been doing to me and lets not forget Harry!’. Nipple-T begged me again to meet up and i kind of felt sorry for him so i agreed to meet him at the local Bengali chip shop. Termie arrives wearing his favorite blue and yellow flowers gown and sat down and asked me if i wanted anything to eat. I said ‘I don’t want shit from this place, its smells like fucking BO, just get on with the bollocks you wanted to say’. Nipple-T says ‘Well, im going to get straight to the point, you know iv been going out with Ken for a while now’. I said ‘You mean that wanker who withdrew all his allegations at the tribunal’. Termie says ‘Yes. Well im having some problems with him. He took the day off work yesterday and went to the doctors and im not sure what happened but i found a pregnancy test kit in the bathroom bin and it was positive!’. I said ‘I don’t believe it, does that mean your going to have a litter of piglets running around Harefield now!’. Nipple-T says ‘Don’t take the fucking piss. Im fucking worried because im 55 years old now and i cannot afford to have a baby now and i only think Ken got pregnant to trap me and find a shortcut for getting a promotion’. I said ‘Oh my goodness, that bastard, he was always crafty. You should of known what he was like after the employment tribunal, he is capable of anything’. Nipple-T says ‘I know that now but what do you think i should do, your the only one i could confide in’. I said ‘Well, theres only one thing to do you know, first you need to confront the pig and say to him how the fuck did he get pregnant from the batti, in fact, hospital staff should be aware of issues like these in the first place’. I said ‘Don’t say anything to the lying pork machine yet, wait and get some more evidence, i will think of something and let you know. Whatever you do don’t tell Geoff about our meeting or he will get jealous that we are up to no good’. Nipple-T says ‘Don’t worry i wont. Im sorry about everything i did to you and misjudging you, i hope we can put the past behind us now’. I said ‘Don’t worry, i know you never meant it all along, we have a special bond with one another that can never be broken. I was the only one who knew how to play with those berries and i know you enjoyed it every single time’.
Sacramento, CA